Ok.

It's no secret that I really don't like Valentime's Day.

I won't go into the reasons...it's nothing personal...well, maybe a little personal. But I won't bore you with the details of WHY I hate Valentime's Day.

I'll just tell you about my day.

Woke up early this morning, constipated from the rich food at Cuerno last night. Neat. I went through my day, watching dozens and dozens of shitty, ugly, horrible flower arrangements float by as they were placed on top of desks at my place of employment. Some were adorned with teddy bears n' balloons - klassy. Lots of people wished me a Happy Valentime's Day, to which I responded, "Humbug." Fielded many inane questions about whether or not I had a Special Someone, and had to apply much antiseptic to the searing gash in my back, as the knife twisted with each inquiry.

Throughout the day, I wished to call many friends, but didn't, as most of them are in relationships and I just didn't feel like talking about all of that. Suffered the assurances of many people that I would find someone someday. Neat.

After a long and depressing day at work (for reason's beyond the whole Valentime's Thing), I ventured to Your Ansley Mall Kroger, and sat in the parking lot for a moment before entering. It was 9:30 PM, and hand to God: there were RIVERS of men pouring out of that place with shitty floral arrangements and balloons and krap, surely on their way home to ridiculous, hideous, demanding women who dreamed of Helzberg diamonds but instead will get some shitty bouquet with a teddy bear stuffed into it, probably embroidered with the phrase "I wuv you BEARY MUCH!" Serves 'em all right.

Once inside the Kroger, I selected my goods and breezed past the Valentime's aisle - at the suggestion of the night manager, whose voice on the loudspeaker advised me that there were still "great deals to be had!" The aisle looked like the Seasonal Items aisle at your local Kroger - in Baghdad or Darfur. Tatters. Shreds. Chocolates everywhere. Discarded rose petals. Gross.

I drove home, and the OSW called to complain about choking on some nuts. Don't ask.

I quickly mixed myself a cocktail, and can honestly say that it's the only stiff thing I'm getting this Valentime's Day. Somehow, I'm ok with that.

fun new activity!

Find That Hideous Grammatical Error in the Atlanta Journal Constitution!

Today's AJC - the paper of record for Our Fair City - has a coupla real lulu's this week.

BEHOLD! In an article about Cynthia McKinney's failed attempt to seal the Green Party presidential nomination in California, we find the following bit. McKinney used to be a congresswoman from Georgia, but nobody here likes her anymore, so she moved to California. Here's a portion of the AJC's report:

"McKinney won Green Party primaries in Arkansas and Illinois and is in slightly trailing Nader in Massachusetts, according to the Green Party. The party reported there were voting irregularities Illinois, where some voters reported there were no Green Party ballots at some locations."

Huh? Who's editing the AJC? A corpse?

ahhhh...the ajc

Not that the "Celebrity Birthdays" section of the AJC's entertainment column qualifies as "reporting," but I find the following error to be quite funny. Funny and sad, because I bet I could find at least a dozen similar errors in Our Fair City's "newspaper."

Read carefully...

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91. Singer Neil Diamond is 67. Actress Matthew Lillard (“Scooby Doo,” “She’s All That”) is 38. Actor Ed Helms (“The Office”) is 34. Actress Mischa Barton (above) (“The O.C.”) is 22.

Did Matthew Lillard have a little surgery?

vote libertarian!

Perhaps one of the best "Betty Butterfield's" EVER!



I suspect that her Vietvenese pharmacist has upped her dosage of Zoloft. She's in real, real high spirits these days, y'all.

Or maybe she's finally been Saved...

truth be told

An actual conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: Norma, how are you doing this weekend?

Norma: Well, to be honest...I'm a little troubled.

OSW: Aww, honey, what's wrong?

Norma: Well, there's something that's been bothering me. I mean, all weekend, the local media has been trying to convince us that we should avoid the "black guys" on the streets. Honestly! This is MLK weekend! Dr. Martin Luther the King would WANT us to come together and break down those barriers... but NOOOOOO! The local TV news and print media are telling us to avoid the "black guys on the roads" at all costs!

OSW: Norma, I think they said "black ice." You know...ice on the streets that you can't see?

(pause)

Norma: You mean, they weren't talking about the black men on the corner?

OSW: No, Norma...they weren't.

Norma: What?!?

stormtracker 2008 upd8

The First Baptist Church of Cumming is closed tomorrow.

coming to you live from the stormcenter...

...wherever that is...

I'm pleased to report that there is still plenty of milk, eggs, and bread at the Ansley Mall Kroger. The situation is under control, and we will be working around the clock to make sure that you have all the information about bread, milk, and eggs that we can possibly give you in the first eleven minutes of our news broadcast.

Oh. And Paul Ossman is a big fat pig.

Whew.

So. Everyone close to me who has had some health stuff going on (necessitating the "preparations" cited below) has come through with flying colors. Sex can be had, lives have been prolonged, and procreation can occur. Neat.

Although, the notion of something as large as a pineapple growing inside me (unwanted and unplanned, to boot) is just a little disturbing.

Life is a banquet, y'all. Please keep reminding me of that.

kids....!

...you know I love 'em!"

Beetlejuice is another of my favorite films, for many reasons:

* Alec Baldwin was still hot hot hot hot hot HOT HOOOOTT!

* Some of the most underrated one-liners in film. To wit...the ghosts' caseworker, Juno (played by the inimitable Sylvia Sydney) wonders why the ghosts are so unhappy in their home, which has been remodeled by new owners since their deaths. "Things seem pretty quiet around here," she rasps. "You should thank God you didn't die in Italy." Genius.

* A hysterical score by Danny Elfman

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the post-modern, Art In America representation of a country home.

* What? A clever plot, subtle dialogue, great design, fabulous music, and just enough "quirk" to make it different? WHAT'S THAT?

* Oh...two words: Catherine. O'Hara.

that's my baby

In honor of those in my life who are dear to me...who have recently had to endure a "preparation..."



Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an apperntment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

brand new day

Despite the dreary weather, I feel absolutely terrific today. Not 100%, but a helluva lot better than I did yesterday.

The clip above is one of my favorites ever: "Brand New Day" from the wonderful/awful movie version of "The Wiz." I love a lot of things about the clip:

* Michael Jackson was wonderful before he really freaked out

* Diana Ross can't dance for shit (check out her pit stains when she flails her arms about)

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene when the Winkies transform by shedding their skin and turning into beautiful, Nubian, Alvin Ailey dancers in loincloths

It's a long clip, but it best sums up my state of mind today. Bear with me...

how can i be sure you're not pretender

So. I'm home sick with viral plague today, and lotsa neat things have happened:

* I looked into the corner of my living room and saw what I thought was a dried leaf from a poinsettia, long since discarded. It was, in fact, a little green lizard. I screamed like a girl and flung it off the porch with a broom.

* I went to the grocery to get more orange juice and chicken soup. Let this be a reminder to all of you: NEVER go to the grocery on a Wednesday. It's Senior Citizens Day, and you will never escape in a reasonable amount of time.

* I had a great time watching the flatbed lumber delivery truck try to do a U-turn on my dead end street.

* I have plumbed the depths of the interweb, and have found very, very little of interest.

* There have been almost non-stop sirens and helicopters in my area for the last few minutes. I suspect that the sewer construction crew hit some kind of main. Great...brown water again...

* But, the BEST thing that happened was an email from Mrs. Steve, containing the totally SFW morsel below:



Thanks, Mrs. Steve. Bock bock.

i sense a disturbance in the force

That's what I'm blaming my current state of malaise upon - a disturbance in the force.

I'm sick with viral plague or something. Shakes, shivers, ravenous appetite n' other stuff has kept me down for a little while. On Friday night I was fine. Saturday? Miserable. On Sunday and Monday I was OK. Last night and today? Miserable. But I'm feeling better again, so hopefully my potion of vitamin C, gallons of water, Mucinex, and Tylenol (with a night time NyQuil chaser) is doing the trick.

In other news...

* It is currently 65 degrees in Our Fair City - IN JANUARY! Yes, we live in the south, and yes it's typically warmer here. But all of this warm weather really fucks with my internal clock, and I don't like it one bit.

* My sleep patterns are wacky.

* I have a blockage when it comes to maintaining my home. I just don't care about it, and I need to care about it.

* The street outside my condo looks as if it is wet - and it hasn't rained in days!

* I have family coming to town this weekend, and my mother has issued an extremely passive-aggressive Drop Everything You Are Doing edict. Even at my age, I still can't say no.

I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" right now...so...

That's all.

Sid: You are a star because you are great and you are a great star, but in the past few years you are better known as an adulteress and a drunk. And I say this with all due respect!

Helen Sinclair: Please, I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve.

Sid: You're talking Chinese New Year.

Helen Sinclair: Naturally. Still, that's two days! Do you know how long that is for me?

I think I post the above quote at about this time every year. Still, I embrace this cleanliness with an open heart. It don't take a psychic to predict my inevitable side-step off the wagon. But I do feel good, and think that I might be able to handle this odd, odd thing called "moderation." Until tonight's dinner party at the OSW's...hmmmm...

OMG -and hooray for Obama!!!!

all right, all right... FINE

I'll update.

Truth be told, I'm real, real glad that these holidays are over. I ate, drank, and spent too much, and I'm happy that the cold has finally arrived so that I can hibernate in every way possible.

Not that my holidays weren't wonderful. My family time was charming, as always: a perfect holiday dinner at Trois, and then a couple of days of civilized Christmas cheer at home. Our place is a sort of "Island of Misfit Toys" at the holidays, and anyone who is in need of company, a fire, a drink, and a meal are welcome. I got some gifts, gave some gifts, and really did appreciate everything.

I spent a lot of time with friends this holiday. The OSW was off work for almost as long as I was, so we had our fair share of quality time. There were tons of parties - including one thrown by the OSW and yours truly - and it seemed that everyone was out and about every night. I will confess that I may have "celebrated" a bit too much, but 'twas the season, I suppose. I'm writing this now in hopes that at this time next year, I'll re-read it and stay in and resist temptation a little more. Oh, and I went on one of the WORST dates of my entire career, which didn't do much for my sense that the dating scene in Atlanta is anything but hopeless.

As for New Year's Eve, it may come as a surprise to some of you to learn that I stayed in on December 31st. I had some pretty wonderful options, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like a fifth wheel at each of them, so I decided to stay at home. Also, I felt like I was really working up the energy to go out, and when you have to work at it that hard, it's probably a good idea to stay home. On New Year's Day, I learned that I didn't miss much at either event, that both were fun, but fairly predictable experiences, so I'm glad I stayed in for the evening.

So. What does one do when home alone on New Year's Eve? Well, I ordered Chinese food, had a cocktail, and thought long and hard about what it is that I want.

It is with a touch of melancholy that I start 2008, but I think I know what to do about it. I won't bore you with my list of totally predictable resolutions. Suffice it to say that I learned a lot in 2007, and will use the coming year to put it into useful practice.

Peace to all of you.

what the fuck is "pudge?"

Want some PUDGE?

I hate - with the fire of a thousand suns kinda hate - the Flying Biscuit.

HATE.

It's on the corner near my house, and the stench of pudge and bad biscuits just hovers over my neighborhood.

I had to walk by it in order to get to a bookstore, where I planned to purchase a gift. The stink of that shitty food surrounded me, and I threw up in my mouth just a little bit.

I looked inside the windows of that stupid place, at its stupid, "quirky," mismatched, sorta "shabby chic" interior. There was a smattering of people in there, for dinner, and they all looked miserable. Miserable. As if they suddenly found themselves in that stinkin' place, instead of the real restaurant where they'd intended to go.

The servers are surly, the food mediocre, and you can't even get a stupid drink in that place. Beer and wine only. Neat.A night trapped in hell.

Just thought I'd get that out.

ok, ok, i get it, i GET it...

As I sit here watching the finale of "The Biggest Loser," I'm prompted to offer up this, a fictional phone conversation between a "mother" and a "daughter."

(phone rings)

Daughter: Hello?

Mother: How you doin', honey?

Daughter: Oh, hey, Mom... I'm fine. A little down in the dumps, but fine. I'm just feeling a little funky about some stuff these days and...

Mother (interrupting): Aw, honey, you'll be fine! Now. How's your exercise regimen comin' along?

Daughter: Well, I haven't really been inspired to work out lately. It seems that I've had a lot going on, and I just sometimes think that...

Mother (interrupting again): Well, you just gotta get on that horse again, ya know? I mean, you were on quite a roll there for a while and I just know that you'll feel better once you drop a few pounds and get back out there.

Daughter: I know that, Motherrrr. But it just seems that these days I'm struggling with some stuff, and I'd really like to talk ab...

Mother (yet another interruption): So what ever happened to that guy you were seeing? He was pretty hot.

Daughter: Well, things didn't work out. I'm not feeling all that confident, and work has got me sooooo beat that I just don't have the energy and attention to devote to nurturing a new relationship. Especially with someone who gets put off by the fact that I'm a very busy person with a lot of things pulling me in a bunch of directions. You know what he did? He got upset with me because I had plans, and ...

Mother: Aw, that's horrible. Really horrible. His loss. Well, I'm sure you'll get back out there. I mean, we all of us married ladies just sit around and wonder when YOU'RE going to finally settle down. I mean, you'd be such a catch if you'd just drop a few pounds and...

Daughter: Gotta go, Mom. TTYL!

(click)

You know what? To quote a great philosopher:

"One of these days some li'l terrorist bomber might just come in here and blow up this entire joint and then no one's gonna hafta worry about ME!"

euphoria

I'm feeling a little Scrooge-ish, so here's a little list...

* "Scrooge" is on the brain because I just completed a huge, crazy, and wonderful production of "A Christmas Carol." So much went into it; I'll unzip the file in my brain later...

* I can't bear to watch the new American Idol-style Choir competition show. I mean, you just know from the get-go that the show's gonna be a mess when four choirs sing James Brown's "Livin' in America." Also, what's the point of watching when you know from the get-go that Patti LaBelle's choir is going to win because she's a sassy lady who can sang and grew up sangin' in church. Not to mention the fact that she knows how to get her praise on...because she grew up sangin' in church, you know...

* This week, I get to step back into life (..with Depends). Tonight: rest. Tomorrow night: Clean and set up Christmas trees (I want two). Wednesday: decorate trees and go OUT!

* Kryptic Komment Aler(k)t: I'm very sad that all of my travel plans have fallen apart, for a lot of reasons.

* I miss Little John.

* I need a vacation.

* The OSW and I are going to throw a party next week! YAY! It's at his house! BIGGER YAAAAAAYYY!

Y'all come!

and i hear people say she's getting old...

I'm definitely getting old.

Ten really fabulous people just called to tell me that they're meeting up at the bar ACROSS THE STREET from my home, and I declined. I have to work tomorrow.

Old? Responsible? What's the difference?

And yes...I want a fuckin' medal.

some will get this..some won't

I heart this.

o. m. g.

I'm a bit busy. To that end...a list:

* It was 77 degrees in Our Fair City today. I mean, it's kinda neat, but there is something TERRIBLY discombobulating about hearing all those Christmas carols at the Starbucks while wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

* Speaking of Christmas carols, one in particular has had me very, very busy these days, hence my "paucity of posts." I hate the word "paucity." Someone should drop it from her lexicon.

* Tonight, I worked and then went to my parents' house for dinner. My mother asked me to help her put the lights on the Christmas tree. She didn't really need my help - any retard can put lights on a tree - but she WANTED some help, which is a different thing. It was fun...and you know what? The Christmas Spirit descended upon me for the first time, and it felt pretty good.

* My parents are very, very happy by the way. Which makes me feel good.

* To do: Christmas tree, laundry, house, travel, and write posts that are only SLIGHTLY more cryptic than someone else's.

and on a slightly different note...

* Somebody sent me a youtube video of a retarded girl asking about menstruation (or, as she put it, a "pewiod"). It was gross/funny/educational/sick/appalling. The worst part was when her older sister said, "Well, I'm having my period right now. Why don't I show you how to change a panty liner..." AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW US HER SOILED, DIRTY, DISGUSTING, SLOUGHED-OFF-ENDOMETRIUM-ENCRUSTED PANTYLINER!!! AAAAAAAHHH!

bless his heart

So this is how you all see me...



I need help. Please help me stop the insanity.

i became this

So yesterday, I was in line at the Publix, and my friend Joelene happened to show up in line behind me. There I am, minding my own business, when I here someone purr, "Well, hello!" We hugged, and thankfully he didn't comment on the contents of my grocery bag: fried chicken, ice cream, wine, and macaroni-and-cheese. Don't judge me...I was having a bad day.

So we're chatting, and all of a sudden one of the Publix holiday balloons burst. Loudly. *POP*

Well, we both turned into Nathan Lane from the clip above. We both screeched and freaked out and turned into bigger, nellier, gayer queens than we both are. And it was some of the most fun I've had in a while.

Despite the fact that this interaction made me feel a lot better, I still went home and ate the nasty food. And that made me feel a WHOLE lot better....

why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

don't judge me

No...that is not a photo of Yours Truly.

shamiru...shamaziru...

One of my favorite SNL skits - EVER!

guilty as charged

During my last few days off for Thanksgiving break, I have committed every one of Dante's Seven Deadly Sins:

Luxuria (extravagance, later lust) - Ohhhh, I have lusted in my heart, all righty. A coupla Junior League-ers, and most notably a surprise guest at my parents' cocktail party. He's a carpenter - and a former professional windsurfer - who also does triathlons and bikes a hundred miles a day or something. *Sigh* Those of you who were with me in P'Town for Labor Day will know what I mean when I say - TICKETS!

Gula (gluttony) - Well...let's see. Had a decadent Ladies Who Lunch Dinner with the OSW at Rathbun's, where we sampled every Small Plate on the menu, and wished to sample the meaty bartender. Ooops..that should go under lust. Funny how they are sorta the same. Between that and the typically extraordinary traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my folks house, well...I may just hafta think about putting my gym membership to work.

Avaritia (greed) - More more MORE!

Acedia (sloth) - I have not risen before 10 AM since Tuesday. I haven't lifted a finger to address the mountain of work that awaits me when I get back into the swing tomorrow. As for today, well...it's Sunday, cold, and rainy in Atlanta. I woke up, got breakfast, planted myself on the couch, and have been watching movies all day. Glorious.

Ira (wrath, more commonly known as anger) - I'm very angry with myself for something, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Invidia (envy) - I'm jealous of people who have someone to sit with on the couch and be slothful and feed them decadent food.

and Superbia (pride) - Ahhh. My favorite. I'm proud of my family, and the extraordinary laughter that fills our dining room on such holidays. I'm proud of the fact that I know from whence I come, and it is a very funny, accepting place. I'm proud of my friends who remind me that I'm not alone. And I'm proud of the freedom I have to be what I want.

hello, my name is erik and i don't like dogs

"Hi, Erik."

For those of you who know me, the above declaration is not a surprise. My disdain for dogs is quite well-known among my circle of friends. Few people talk about it, like when you have a relative that hates Jews or something, but you never bring it up at Thanksgiving in hopes that we can just get through the day without making anyone cry.

For the record, I do not "hate" dogs. I don't hate anything. I just don't LIKE dogs. Or any other pet, for that matter. There are reasons, but I just don't feel like sharing them with you.

Well, I'll share one reason with you.

http://www.collettscountrykennel.com/placed.html

The DJ told me the most hysterical story about a crazy dog owner today, and I do hope he'll share it on his blog. But it got me looking up "crazy dog people" on the interweb, and I found the above site.

Gag.

let the holiday fearmongering begin!

It's that time of year - all of our wonderful media outlets are set with their annual litany of warnings and statistics to help keep us alive on this, the Deadliest Holiday of the Year.

Between the traffic and DUI warnings to the dietary scares, it's a miracle that any of us make it to the New Year. I mean, on the "Today" show this morning, we were actually warned to take caution at our traditional Thanksgiving meals because one might have a heart attack after eating such a calorie-dense plate of food.

I have lots of plans for this week. I don't go back to work until Monday, so I plan to party a little, spend time with my family, relax, and eat.

I'll check in on Monday to let you know that I survived.

ruminations on project runway

This is one of TWO reality shows that I love (the other is/was "Pioneer House). I adore "Project Runway" because the people actually make something and have to work for their prize. As opposed to just doing shooters in some hot tub and bitching about alliances or some shit...

Here are some thoughts on this season's "Project Runway" premiere:

* The guys on this season's show are the hottest ever on the program

* They are also the GAYEST! EVER!!!

* Tim Gunn is a big, neat, tidy, anal, pompous, talented, silly old ginger paleface queen. I ASPIRE to the odd combination of nurturing mentor/catty old woman that he displays with every "Carry on!" and "Make it work..." or every comment that a designer has "a lot of finishing to do..." It's sort of like a Southern woman looking at a fat, ugly, tacky-but-sweet girl and saying, "Bless her heart..."

* I love how they dub in the plugs for various products when the camera cuts away from Heidi Klum's face. Case in point: she asked all of the new designers how they liked their new homes in the Gotham New York (their temporary apartment building). Then, when the camera cut away, they inserted a voiceover of Heidi saying, "New York's premiere rental apartment community for everything you love in the Big Apple" or some such shit.

* I hate Ricky's "hat thing."

* Not only is Fatty Chris a big fatty, but he has the worst plucked eyebrows in America.

* The results haven't been announced as of this writing, but I predict that they will keep Krazy Elisa, just because she's quirky. Gross. Her model tripped over her stupid dress. Kick her ass out.

okay, okay

Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the whole "embedded video" thing. But I think that the video below is breathtaking.

Simply breathtaking.



To quote a great philosopher (i.e., the star of the video)...

"Stay tuned for more!"

what it feels like for a girl

Well...it's official:

I'm a homeowner, once again.

I closed on my home today, and you know what? Even though I've lived here for a year and a half, it felt different when I walked through the door this evening. I can't explain it, but it did. And it felt wonderful.

So. Lemme get some things in order and then I'm gonna have a really, really fine cocktail party. You are all invited.

this week's favorite thing

Lawrt. I think I know what we'll all be for Halloween next year.

on being manly

Recently I found myself having cocktails on a porch here in Our Fair City. Shocker, I know. I was chatting with a dear friend who is a closing attorney for a leading real estate law firm here in town. Pretty much everybody knows that the real estate market has taken quite a tumble here in town (and nationally), but the tendency among real estate professionals is to adopt a "Put on a happy face...make lemonade out of lemons...hey, this is just a correction" kind of attitude. Usually with clenched teeth and a hyper-forced grin.

Not my friend. He laid it out for me honestly (his statistics were staggering), and said, "Hey, I know I'm supposed to be all 'everything's fine here' about this, but I'm man enough to say it sucks, it will probably get worse before it gets better, and it's making a lot of people unhappy."

I was quite charmed by his honesty. I have a lot of friends in real estate, and many of them are swallowing the party Kool Aid and claiming that business is steady, people are buying, and things are lookin' up. Ahhh, the power of denial. All's I can say is that I'm REALLY glad I got out of that line of work - for a trilliion reasons, most of which were simply personal.

My friend's sincerity got me thinking about my own tendency to laugh wildly amidst severest woe. Not that I have any tragedy in my life or anything; I'm healthy, employed with work I love, and about to purchase the home that I will most likely live in forever. I have gifts and resources, friends and family, and little about which to complain.

But sometimes I get overwhelmed, and I'm coming to the realization that I'm not as good at handling it anymore. One of my biggest observations about people with problems is my opinion that many people build their own prisons - financially, romantically, spiritually - whatever. The harder thing to realize is that you've built your own prisons. Now, I have to figure a way out of them.

So, I took a walk today in my park, and made a mental sketch of the prisons I've built for myself. The task of breaking out of them is (to emply hyperbole) Herculean. But they are my own, I built them, and I can find a way to compromise their architecture.

A dear friend told me just last night that he has recently been completely overwhelmed with things. His discovery was that great things come ONLY when you are so burdened. I take those words deeply to heart.

I think I'll start by cleaning my kitchen.

this week's favorite thing

This is totally safe for work, but not for your sense of good taste.

I had the extreme pleasure of seeing one Miss Dana Owens perform at Atlanta's Symphony Hall last night. Queen Latifah herself was eight feet from me and my sister (we were in the front row; our parents graciously let us have the good seats while they sat WAY back in the fifth row), and her powerful vocals stirred us to distraction. At one point, she came downstage to say "hello" to us, and shook our hands.

She was enchanting, and sang songs from just about every genre: gospel, soul, funk, jazz, and...to my great pleasure...Broadway. Her rendition of "I Know Where I've Been" from "Hairspray" was breathtaking. Better than that, however, was her introduction to the song, when she sincerely thanked everyone for their support of the film. I felt like I was watching a friend perform beloved songs, and that's a rare and beautiful talent.

Afterwards, there was some funny business in the lobby. My sister agreed to take a photo with ten of us gay boys, and made the comment that she'd be the "token girl in the picture." Out of nowhere, some total stranger walked up and inserted herself into the shot. Apparently, she thought that my sister's comment was made out of the exasperation of being the only lesbian lady in the photo, and wanted to help out a sistah. It was weird and interesting and funny. After a few moments, the lady (who was with her partner of 13 years, by the way) asked if my sister was "family." My sister graciously said that she wasn't but that I was, and that "we" all were - "we" being my mother, father, sister, and I.

Like a great philosopher once said, "Music...makes the people...come together."

eve was weak

For Halloween, we have a selection from one of my favorite horror movies of all time:

Carrie: [coming down from upstairs, Margaret has called her down after the phonecall she received] Mama? Who was that, that called?

Margaret White: You're a woman now.

Carrie: Why didn't you tell me mama?

[Margaret strikes her over the head with the "Woman's Bible" and begins to read a verse]

Margaret White: [reading] And God made Eve from the rib of Adam. And Eve was weak and loosed the raven on the world. And the raven was called sin. Say it, the raven was called sin.

Carrie: Why didn't you tell me, Mama?

Margaret White: Say it.

[hits Carrie in the face]

Margaret White: The raven was called sin.

Carrie: [Margaret hits her again] No, Mama.

[hits Carrie again]

Carrie: And the raven was called sin!

Margaret White: And the first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse.

Carrie: I didn't sin, Mama.

Margaret White: Say it.

[hits her again]

Carrie: I didn't sin, Mama!

Margaret White: The first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse.

Carrie: And the first sin was intercourse! Mama, I was so scared. I thought I was dying. And the girls, they all laughed at me and threw things at me, Mama.

[Margaret hits her again]

Margaret White: And Eve was weak, say it!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Eve was weak!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Eve was weak, say it woman!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Say it!

Carrie: Eve was weak, Eve was weak.

Margaret White: And the Lord visited Eve with the curse, and the curse was the curse of blood!

Carrie: You should have told me, Mama! You should have told me!

Margaret White: [kneels down and grabs Carrie's hand] Oh, Lord! Help this sinning woman see the sin of her days and ways. Show her that if she had remained sinless, this curse of blood would never have come on her!

list time

* Saw a beautiful play this evening - "Rabbit Hole." I never cease to be impressed by the quality (and low price) of good, quality theater here in Atlanta.

* The full moon has made me crazy - again.

* Houseguests coming this weekend. I need their visit real, real bad right now...

* A Halloween party on Saturday night...perhaps a "gettin' ready pre-party" at my house?

* I finally landed on a costume: Professor Snape. However, if I can't get the wig right, I'll just be The Handsome Dark Wizard with Whom Dumbledore Fell in Love...

* I bought some stage blood for a friend today, while shopping for my costume pieces. There was a variety of formulas available, but I settled gleefully on the one that offered a "fresh, minty taste!" Even though it says not to ingest it...hmmmm...

* Huge workday Sunday. Wish it wasn't after a big night out, but oh well.

* A performance or two on the horizon

(exhale)

and i wonder where my money goes

An Actual Conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: I'm so sick of everything. I wanna try new things, but I don't know how I'd make it work.

NORMA: Ok. You need capital. So. How much would you make if sold your house today?

(The OSW discloses figure...it's quite substantial, she being a frugal, shrewd, money-grubbing OSW and all. Norma is uncharacteristically impressed.)

NORMA: Well, I have about $12.50. So when you put that together, we've got a nice little nest egg to invest in a fun new venture.

OSW: So where are we going with all that money?

NORMA: Gilbert's, for karaoke.

OSW: What?!?

klassy

The only thing I like about the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: the Peach Buzz. It's our hideous local newspaper's snarky little social column, and I like it because it reports on things like rappers' birthdays and art gallery events with its tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Today, they reported on a new alcoholic beverage. The text is below.

(commence krap)

There’s a new drink finding its way to Atlanta nightclubs next year, folks. From the makers of the outstanding Hpnotiq comes
Nuvo, a sparkling vodka liqueur for women.

The sleek, glamorous bottle looks like a fancy European perfume ready for spritzing. Instead, it’s meant to excite the palate.

“It’s fabulous. It’s one of the sexiest and most innovative drinks out there,” says Tiffany Patterson of Atlanta, who got a chance to taste the beverage at a New York party. “It’s strong, but that’s what I I love about it.”

Patterson says its sparkling fruitiness reminds her of the inexpensive Boone’s Farm brand.

“It’s like they took the cheap stuff and said this is how it’s supposed to be,” she says. “This is the real thing.”

Company officials, in town last week doling out the pink stuff during the BET Hip Hop Awards, say Atlanta is the next market Nuvo will hit. It’ll be in nightclubs as well as package stores.

(end krap)

Hmmm...Tiffany says that it's the best of both worlds: Boone's Farm with a little more kick. And why doesn't it surprise me that their first test market was the BET Hip Hop Awards?

I suspect that "Nuvo" is an old Latin word for "ghetto swill." Or perhaps "Put this junk in a pretty bottle and any stripper will drink it?"

I'll take my slightly dirty martini any day.

what can i say?

It's been a weird week.

The weather has flirted with us. Forecasts mentioned "heavy rains" and the skies swirled all day today, but we got very little in the way of precipitation. Mother Nature is a vicious, horrible tease.

My work has been so unbelievably fulfilling that I feel as though I may burst. Maybe one day I'll put my money where my blog is and show you the evidence, but suffice it to say that a little gratitude goes a long way, and that making a difference really does a body good.

Fell off the wagon a bit this week, with respect to the whole "working out" thing. I blame the very, very, VERY dark mornings, and look forward to daylight savings. We enjoy warm weather through Thanksgiving, so I can get back on the wagon shortly. However, I think I need to plan for an alternative...

Saw two movies at the Out on Film Festival this week. One was MISERABLE. The other starred RuPaul and was quite a bit of fun. Not as much fun as my date, however.

And that's all I know, ladies and gentlemen. See you this weekend for a drinkie or two because...after all...

If you want the ol' flivver to run, you gotta gas her up...ifyaknowwhatimean...

list

* All the news about the drought has me feeling a little down (bah-dum-bum). My lord, it's URINETOWN!

* Had a fabulous weekend of stunning weather, great parties, a date, some sex, and a whole lotta gratitude for all of it.

* I'm sitting here right now watching Matt Lauer interview Senator Larry "I was just picking up some paper from the toilet stall floor" Craig. Gross. His wife is grousing about the effect that bloggers have had on this whole scandal. Well..add me to the list, lady...

* I know that this will come as a surprise to many of you, but Ellen's meltdown today made me laugh my ass off. Come. On. There's gotta be a better way to make your point. Plus, she's a REAL ugly crier....

* The OSW and I went to dinner last night. Dinner was amazing, despite the Drunk Loudmouth and his friends who were sitting near us at the bar.

* I love my job and I love my work and stuff, but I just had the urge yesterday to cash out what little I have and just disappear. This comes and goes with me, and (naturally) I've never acted on it. That pesky "lack of funds" keeps getting in the way...

* Next break? Thanksgiving. Not. Soon. Enough.

This Week's Favorite Thing

Ok. Here are my thoughts on the titles she won in the competition:

1. Best Use of a Trumpet as Laser Gun
2. Most Outstanding Ogilvy Home Perm
3. Superior Usage of Christmas Tree Tinsel in a Costume
4 Most Inappropriate Use of a Charlie Chaplin Impersonation
5. Best Exit in Silence While Expecting Applause

Anyone else? Suggestions?

On a more serious note, this is what comes from too much parental encouragement.

mists

I was hesitant to get out this morning. I woke up early enough, but it was sooo dark outside and - to be perfectly honest - I'm a little creeped out by the park before sunrise. I'm not that fast a runner, and I do wear an iPod; experts might say that those were my first two problems right there. I may switch to biking - faster, more gratifying, and an easier getaway from anyone who might feel like gettin' in my way.

So I waited a little bit until I saw the first silver and pink slivers of the dawn, and ventured out. The park was covered by a thick mist, and the buildings of Midtown took up the shimmer as the mists gradually faded with the sunrise. Now it is absolutely golden out there, and I'm glad I managed to roll out of bed and be a part of it for a moment.

And a little post-workout flirtation with the cute Boot Camp instructor at the Caribou didn't hurt, either...

in yo FACE

I just did one of my very favorite things to do on a Sunday in Atlanta. And I ain't talkin' about the events of last night. THAT's a story for a different day, friend...

I live around the corner from a very popular breakfast restaurant called The Flying Biscuit. It is ridiculously popular, for reasons that elude me. I mean, at the end of the day, it's all just eggs and coffee to me - but the people line up for HOURS to get into the place. Honestly, on any given weekend, rain or shine, you'll see a massive crowd of people outside. In the summer...they wait in the sickening heat; in the winter, they wait in the cold and rain. I don't get it. And I don't get it largely because there are about a hundred breakfast places in town. Again...it's just eggs and coffee, y'all.

I used to manage a popular restaurant in Manhattan's West Village. It was the same thing: the people would line up to get in for pancakes and bacon - with about a thousand other options nearby. And they were always grumpy, usually having partied the night before and in desperate need of nourishment. Mean, angry, hungover people to whom a thirty-minute wait was a life sentence. They would harass me endlessly until I was able to seat them, and then berate the waitstaff for not moving at lightning speed with their coffee or bloody marys. And since it was just breakfast, the checks were never very large, so the staff didn't make money despite running their butts off all morning. There are a lot of parts to breakfast service: creamers and jams and sugar caddies and little hot pots of water for tea and spoons and blah blah blah. Everyone was unhappy, and I would just pray for the end of my shift.

So, I got up this morning and needed food - having been out last night and in need of nourishment like all those awful people I mentioned. Which brings me to my favorite thing to do on a Sunday. I called the restaurant and placed an order to go. I casually strolled over to the Caribou to get an iced coffee, then back across the street to the Biscuit to get my food. The hideous people in line glared at me, and I could hear their thoughts: "What? Why does HE get to just saunter inside?" I sailed in, picked up my food, and worked my way back through the throng outside. They glowered and grumbled and turned their attention to the hostess, who was just trying to keep some order. The women all had that bitter, pinched look on their faces that said, "Now why didn't we think of that? God, I HATE that guy" and their boyfriends all had that harried look that said, "What the fuck are we waiting for? I mean, it's just eggs and coffee."

I, however, sat in wonderful comfort on my porch, ate my food and drank in the beautiful day. My favorite thing to do on a Sunday.

rating

There's some dumb widget (I think the kids call it that) that rates the propriety of one's blog based on the frequency of certain words. I got the above rating for a single instance of the word "slut."

Oops..I said it again. Better make that a PG-13.

my new favorite thing

There are many things I love about this clip, but I'll just point out a few:

1. LOVE the completely overdone, wide vowels: "XAHN-AH-DOUH!"

2. MORE LOVE for the slutty costumes and horrible "beauty pageant" choreography and runway walkin'.

3. WOULD LOVE TO KNOW what the eff does the Star-Trek-Mr.-Spock "Live long and prosper!" gesture at the end have to do with "Xanadu?" Or is it more the Mork the Dork from Ork, "nanu-nanu!" kind of crap?

4. ALSO, I'd LOVE to know where in America one can find a high school with forty homosexual teenage boys who are out, loud and proud?

The mind spins...with arms akimbo, and JAZZZ HANDZ!

musings

* The AJC reported that Stone Mountain Park had plans to use over ONE MILLION GALLONS of municipal water to create a snowy attraction. They wanted the municipal water because it is treated and would create pure white snow, as opposed to lake water, which would yield brownish-green snow. North Georgia is in an insane drought. Stone Mountain ceased the effort when just about everyone in the state cried foul - loudly. Wise choice.

* A couple in the metro-Atlanta area is facing twenty counts (apiece!) of animal cruelty. Their home was raided when neighbors complained of the smell; inspectors found dead animals, dozens of mistreated living ones, and INCHES of waste on the floor - both animal and human. Neighbors described them as "animal lovers." My. GOD.

* In othe news, I'm still good on my regimen: up early, good food, limited drinking, etc. This is something of a record for me, one I wish to bread again.

* Plans are formulating: PTown Labor Day 2008 (!) and New Year's in....(drumroll)...Los Angeles, after Christmas in Ft. Lauderdale!

* I'm shopping for a new/used car. Any suggestions?

* Atlanta still wants to ban baggy pants. Some folks are crying "racist." I just call it "damn ugly."

* Must. Clean. Home.

* I miss my Johns.

aweshome

It was a klassic Well, Well, Well-style weekend (minus the sex).

The OSW and I went to a new restaurant on Friday night, Beleza, in the 905 Juniper building. I've been waiting for a restaurant to open in that space and lemme just tell ya, kids - it was worth the wait. A gorgeous interior, fabulous service, and absolutely delicious food. I am thrilled to have such fabulousness within steps of my own home. Seriously.

We then ventured to Fifth Skreet for an impromptu get together. Then I went to Blake's and met a former aquaintance, who asked, "Why didn't you date me?" I may reconsider my earlier decision to let that one go...

I stayed in on Saturday night, as I had to work on Sunday morning. But that was done by noon, and I ventured over to Fifth Skreet again for a Sunday luncheon thrown by the OSW and Connie. It was perfect in cuisine and company, and I mighta had a little bit of champagne on that fine Sunday afternoon.

The perfect weather underscored a remarkable gathering of friends, and I am more certain than ever that if heaven exists, it's full of good food and front porches....

update

Work was pretty good.

today

Today is Friday. I have to go to work in a few minutes. Then I will come home and go to dinner with a friend. Then I will go to bed.

damn

I woke up at 6, planning to get out there and get my blood moving. However, I hit the wrong button on the alarm and turned it to "off" rather than "snooze," and missed my workout. Damn.

Now, if I had someone in bed with me to help me stay on track....

gasp

A list...

* Friday = much needed haircut and an even more needed drink with Mrs. Steve. I sat on one of their Kroger chairs on the back porch, and it broke. I'm thinking of suing.

* Hurricane John breezed (or is it "broze?") through Atlanta on his way to he new home in NYC. We went to a dinner party on Friday night, but I missed him before he departed on Sunday. I would feel badly about not saying a formal goodbye, but for some reason this absolutely does NOT feel like "goodbye..."

* Work work work all weekend, but it's all good and I'm very, very happy with the current state of affairs at the institutional.

* Dinner with the family on Sunday night, to celebrate my sister's birthday; I was tardy, due to work obligations. Mom made an unbelievable cake, and we started making plans for Thanksgiving. Yes, we make plans for Thanksgiving in September. It's the way we are.

Frankly, that's all that I have to report. I'd apologize for it being lackluster and "not the way I used to write," but I really don't give a shit about what you think.

: )

coulda

I could blog about what I did last night, but that would compromise a certain someone's privacy.

i could blog about what happened when I got up this morning, but that would imply that I got some sleep last night.

I could blog about how crappy I feel, but that would be boring.

I could blog about these things, but I won't.

I'm trying to be discreet.

oh what a beautiful mornin'

Y'all....remind me....we gotta cut that numbah.

It was a stunning morning today, though. Shades of pink, gold, blue, and that silvery blue color that bounces off the buildings in Midtown. I'm going to drink it up before the depths of winter descend and I have no choice but to work out in the darkness.

I almost didn't make it out of bed this morning. I fell asleep on the couch last night, and my slumber was interrupted by some idiot televangelist who apparently comes on one of the network channels after everything else has had the good sense to sign off the air. His crazy rambling drove me to my bed, where I crashed for a few hours until the alarm sounded. I ignored it a coupla times, until the voice in my head shouted, "GET UP!" It was that sharp, with a high pitch. "GET UP!" So I did, and worked my way around the park. I even bumped into the OSW. There I was, just winding down my workout, when a pale haze of alcohol went breezing by me. He was working the booze out of his system, as oil is expressed from an olive. This apparently was the side effect of a less-than-stellar date last night. I can't say I blame him...I probably would have hit the drinks, too.

Had a Krazy Day yesterday. Various crises rose in my path, and I must confess that I had difficulty overcoming them. It was only with the help of friends that I was able to do so, which reminds me that despite my anxiety, I do, in fact, have resources.

Have a blessday, y'all.

back in the saddle

7:19 AM

Despite the fact that my alarm didn't go off and I slept with the window open which made my bed feel even more wonderfully comfortable, I did get up this morning and get moving. I was a little late, so I had to cut my program short, but I got up nonetheless, and feel great for it. The park and sunrise were just beatiful this morning - the light struck the buildings of Midtown and turned them all gold, and a delicate mist ebbed low in the park. There were lots of people out and about, some of whom smiled and waved as I went by them. Charming.

Today will be nuts, but I feel like I have the bull by the horns.

praise be, part II

Thanks be to all things holy, but the weather broke here in our fair city, and I feel like real human being again. Everything is breathing a sigh of relief: the concrete, the air conditioning units, the cars, the air, the grass...EVERYTHING. It feels fabulous.

I took MARTA to work on Saturday, because the weather was nice and I just didn't feel like driving. It wasn't without its hitches, not the least of which was the urine-soaked gentleman who sat near me on my way home. I mean, I can stomach some stuff, but this was naaaaasty, and I had to get up lest I lose my lunch.

It was such a gorgeous day that I couldn't help but stop by Zocolo's on my walk home from the train station for a little quesadilla and a beer. Later, a charming party at the OSW's house, followed by more work on Sunday, and a spin through Blake's on Sunday night. I'd say this was a pretty good weekend. No Labor Day in PTown, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm off to bed, as I wish to rise with the birds and see another glorious morning before it gets too dark and cold to coax me out of the bed.

it's on

Just so's ya know...I'm still workin' on it. Thankfully, there was no rain this morning, so I was able to get out and about before work.

There was, however, a LOT of rain this afternoon, which meant that every traffic light went on fritz, and every driver went deaf, dumb, and blind. MARTA may have earned my business this afternoon.

And before I break for the weekend, I have a confession to make:

I shtole the DIAMONDZH DRESSH! It was supposhed to go to the Shmithshonian, but I jusht had to have it! After all, when Gower Champion gave me that third arabeshque...

morning report

6:52 AM

I was up before dawn and got some exercise. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that it's easier to jumpstart your day if you DON'T enjoy too much pinot grigio the night before?

One thing I'm worried about, though: I have a very difficult time rising before the sun, and hope that I will be able to keep the momentum when the days grow even shorter. I mean, sheesh...it was pitch black at 6:05 AM. Also, I think I'll keep things nice n' quiet this weekend, so's I don't kill my Monday.

Ever since I got back from Provincetown, I've felt great - organized, energetic, and focused. I really, REALLY hope that this is not a phase, that the other shoe will stay on my foot. I'm writing about all this to chart my mood/efforts/attitude, with hopes that the daily reminder will keep me on track.

Have a blessday, y'all.

and so it begins...

I've begun to implement my five-year-plan, as I am typically prone to procrastination and don't want to try to pack all of this in to the final year of the five.

So. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that it is nothing short of a miracle that I am up at this hour (7:29 AM), having already accomplished quite a bit. Usually, I would just be rolling out of bed, scrambling for coffee and a breakfast bar and running to the elevator. I have a long day ahead of me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I've gotten a head start.

Not to get all Flippy on you, but there might be something to this whole "put it out there and it will come to you" thing.

Thank you, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

when i think of home

Well, well, well...I'm back. For those of who know me, I suspect that you will be able to predict my personal experience of a Labor Day weekend in Provincetown. Trust me, this most recent visit did not disappoint. It was full of (blank) and (blank) and (insert name here). But mostly it was full of the old magic...yes, I believe in magic, and it can be mined in Provincetown...in copious amounts, in fact.

And for those of you who DON'T know me, well..my apologies. Here is a cryptic list of things/memories/vague recollections/epiphanies that bubble to the surface...

* "Cocktails on a Plane." In truth, the joke was pretty much "Cocktails ANYWHERE," but we were specifically planning a sequel to "Snakes on a Plane," except with aggressive cocktails in place of snakes.

* "Three Bottoms in a Bottomed-Out Boat," a modern Gilbert n' Sssssullivan operetta.

* A Conversation Overheard By (or is it "Imposed Upon") the Good People of Commercial Street, While Two Queens Fly Down the Street on Rented Bicycles:

OSW: God, my eyes are watering.

E: Well, why is that, OSW?

OSW: I think there's something in my contacts.

E: But, OSW...you don't WEAR contacts!

OSW: What?!?

* The Wit and Wisdom of Varla Jean Merman: "Ever since New Orleans got hit by that one-eyed bitch...and I'm not talkin' about Sandy Duncan..."

* What is a marriage?

* My friends are ridiculous freaks. I think that Atlanta made a good showing.

* Came up with a five-year plan...after a few talks with God. I truly think this is possible, y'all.

* Our "house t-shirt:" Front - "02657" (the PTown zip code). Back - "It's a two-street town, y'all." Drew lots of attention...all of it good.

* Saw some other folks who just didn't want to smile. How can you not smile in Provincetown...it's the happiest place on the planet?

* As might be expected, my body hurts from laughing.

* I'm told I had a "black out night," but still remained fun and charming (though I suspect my friends are protecting my feelings, bless them).

* Joy is found on a sunken dance floor in a dumpy bayside bar, trust me. Photos to come.

* And yes...ladies and gentlemen...I have one more word....

TICKETS!

I almost didn't come home...

praise be

...laundry's done...
...trash is out...
...cab's been called...
..."out of office" messages posted...
...bags are packed...

...it's time to go. See ya next week.

sigh

..almost there...

dontcha

Weekend List, OSW-style...

* I developed a totally unpredictable crush on a totally interesting looking guy who has that east-villagey-geek style working for him despite the fact that he's from Nashville. I asked him what he does, and he said, "Well, I bake and work on projects and read a lot. I'm one of those people who just craves information; I'm always reading. I travel and do stuff and cook. Oh...and I can knit, too." What? And he even remembered me from, like...6 years ago, a single meeting, in a place I've been twice in my life. Well.

* I made an open confession to someone I've had a crush on for some time. I said something like, "I just hafta say...and this ain't the liquor talkin' (gesture to empty glass)...but...you are the only man I've ever met who gets more handsome every time I see him." I ain't lyin'. He blushed and smiled and blah blah blah. Then, he turned to me and said,

"Tell me something: what's gotten in the way of us getting together?"

I was beside myself for a split second, and I must admit that I'm proud of the composure I was able to muster. I looked right at his perfect, gorgeous face and said, "Because you still have a lot of growing up to do." He laughed sheepishly in agreement...I think.

* Watched "High School Musical: 2" with a friend, in an effort to create some cherished memories before he moves to another city. Honestly, the movie was pretty much, like, the Best Movie I've Ever Seen..totally.

* Had a wondrous "Ladies Who Lunch" dinner with the OSW, at Wisteria. I gotta get that place back on my radar. The green tomato gazpacho with feta was quite remarkable, as was my salmon over lettuce, onions, and cucumbers. The OSW and I began to toss around some ideas for our next show, which is always fun. Endured the ridiculously loud cell phone chatter of two girls sitting next to us: over-dressed, over-styled, both of them squawking into their phones. I mean, why even go out?

* Worked a lot, which was a delight. I'm serious.

* Little John's Farewell Tour 2007 made perhaps it's best stop on Thursday, at Halo. Just like the old days. I could talk for days about that crowd: handsome, creative, interesting, and madly humorous. It's no surprise that such a group gathered, given the guest of honor.

* Had a sinful lunch with three queens who just can't stop laughing. One week from now we'll repeat the performance at The Lobstah Pot in P'Town.

* Dinner at the Ponderosa with my mom and dad (sister's out of town).

* Oh...and...(drumroll)...it finally fuckin' rained. A lot. The temp is now about 73 degrees, and everything already looks greener. You can actually hear the earth sighing in relief.

i'm sorry

but...

I have to rehash an old cliche.

It's fuckin' hot in this damn town.

I know, I know: what do I expect? I grew up here, I know that it's ridiculously hot here in August. In fact, I know that it will not let up until...oh, I don't know...HALLOWEEN!

But this shit is gettin' to me. Like my friend the OSW said, "people are going crazy. their cranky and everything is dying." According to Wikipedia, the term "dog days..."

"...was coined by the ancient Romans, who called these days caniculares dies (days of the dogs) after Sirius (the "Dog Star"), the brightest star in the heavens besides the Sun.

Popularly believed to be an evil time "when the seas boiled, wine turned sour, dogs grew mad, and all creatures became languid, causing to man burning fevers, hysterics, and phrensies" - Brady’s Clavis Calendarium, 1813.

The Dog Days originally were the days when Sirius, the Dog Star, rose just before or at the same time as sunrise, which is no longer true owing to precession of the equinoxes.

The ancients sacrificed a brown dog at the beginning of the Dog Days to appease the rage of Sirius, believing that that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather."

Phrensies, indeed. And God, it must be hot: the OSW said "their" when he meant "they're." I do, however, think that his hydrangeas will survive, thus protecting his status as a true Old Southern Woman.

Apparently, the NY Times recently ran an article about why one should consider purchasing a log cabin in Newfoundland. They can be had for $20K, and you sit on your porch and watch huge chunks of ice float by on the river. As the global warming accelerates, I'm sure that by the time I retire my newfound cabin will be beachfront property, so the investment opportunities are endless. All joking aside, I do predict a surge in home sales in regions where the climate is more temperate. This shit will make you crazy.

The bright side (rather, the crispy, parched side) is that this appalling weather makes my departure for the Cape all the more satisfying. The forecast is for low-to-mid-70's during the day and cool, crisp low-60's at night. Perfect weather for...well, Just about everything.

i need some oxygen

Because my breath has been taken away.

Whenever Norma comes out to play, she seems to help the people come together. NOT THAT WAY, POTTYBRAINS! In a fun, communal, and hysterical way.

To wit...

The OSW and I worked on something that was odd and fun and completely nebulous, while simultaneously familiar and very special to us, two friends...sisters of a kind...who just wanted to freak out together for a little while. A dear and brilliant friend came to town to coordinate this madness. The DJ laid down some phat beats and infectious grooves, and Doug Anne worked magic with the followspot. Various artists contributed their extraordinary skills and resources to effect the magnificent specifics that gave some pizazz to our show. Everyone from all walks of life came down to just laugh and clap and drink and have a damn good time. One grandmother said, "Oh!...this reminds me of when I used to live in New Orleans and we would just go and see the shows and have a lot of fun!"

However, the one image that sticks in my mind that celebrates the crazy diversity and joy of our performance was a photo of me and my mother. I was in Norma's splendid drag, and she insisted that we have a photo taken together. Her face beamed wide and proud and happy. It might have been us at my college graduation, or at any one of my "legit" performances, or at my first day of school...

*Note to reader: My mother is completely accepting of my sexuality and life. She (and everyone else in my family) accepts my life, my friends, and my sometimes-odd artistic expression.

But she also appreciates the fact that I am an ACTOR, and that Norma is a role for me, and that it brings me great joy. She understands that I have a range, and that my performances bring a lot of very different people together. That particular type of joy brings her great pleasure, which itself is joyful.

Good, good times, y'all.

some women are drippin' with diamonds...

...I'm dripping with sweat.

It is 85 degrees at 11:00 PM.

It is a TOTAL cliche to bitch about the heat in Atlanta in August, but sheesh...! This is ridiculous. It's been crazy hot here (95+ degrees and about 200% humidity) for a couple of days, and it doesn't look like it will let up for a while. I mean, this is the kind of hot where you don't leave the house. And in addition to the oppressive, ridiculous heat, we have a Code Red air quality which means that everyone's lungs will explode or melt or evaporate if you exert yourself outside. And by "exert" I mean "step outside." So, I bought a bunch of high-efficiency light bulbs, a reusable grocery bag, and I've decided to switch to a more efficient vehicle. Not that I didn't believe in global warming before, but I just cannot remember a summer where I really felt like the world was ending. I wish I could say that I cut down on my A/C use, but it's too stinkin' hot to do that. Baby steps.

In other news....

Well, I've been busy. And depressed. But I've shaken the depression (some might call it "moving out of the depression phase of grieving"), and feel renewed and optimistic. Maybe it's because I went to the gym today. Maybe it's because I've been eating better. Maybe it's because a good friend is coming to town this weekend for a crazy, wonderful event. Who knows? Whatever. I'll take it.

Oh, and I'm going to PTown in a few weeks.

Ok, everything's fine.

luxury

I work in a job that I love, but don't make a lot of money. I left a lucrative career in sales to do something that stirs great passion in me. A reduction in salary was part of the compromise, and I accepted it willingly.

Now, for those of you who don't know me, lemme tell ya a little secret: I'm TERRIBLE with money. If I have ten dollars in my pocket, I'll spend it on drinks with friends. Savings? What's that? However, I've had to get a little better about it recently, and I'm fine with that. I've given up some things, and continue to make changes that benefit me financially.

However, the one thing that I will NOT sacrifice is my occasional employment of a housekeeper.

A couple of months ago, I called a housekeeper at the recommendation of a friend. I was having houseguests and a big party, and wanted my little place to sparkle. Something else that you might not know about me: I despise houswork of any kind, but always felt weird about having someone come into my home and clean it. I mean, I have an 843 square foot condo. I ought to be able to clean it, but I never do anything unless I feel a natural inclination towards the act, and I hate cleaning.

So. I hired this guy. Went out for a couple of hours, and came home to a sparkling, fragrant, perfectly cleaned home. The kind of clean you don't want to mess up. The kind of clean that makes me happy to welcome people into my home again. The kind of clean that even I can maintain.

I think that I can give up a nice dinner or two per month to have this kind of happiness.

bored bored bored

That's what I am right now. I'm not working right now, and everyone else I know has...you know...a real job, so I'm bored, barely dressed with nowhere to go. And no, I'm not unemployed...I'm on a seasonal break.

So I googled "bored bored bored bored bored," and I found the following:

(start quote)

Bored, Bored, Bored.....Bored!

God, lab work can be boring sometimes can't it? In between greasing joints, preparing amine salts, shutting fingers in doors and polishing oil pumps, rather than commit suicide try out some of the following to brighten up your drab and wholly pointless life....

• Find out where your supervisor shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after they do. (This is particularly easy if you work for ***, only necessitating the purchase of one blue jumper.)

• Arrive at a group meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch and you're going to be nibbling throughout the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

• Commission the mechanical workshop to construct an overly elaborate devise for determining the exact rotation speed of your rotary evaporator to within ±0.001 rpm. Argue with your supervisor that this information is vital to your experimental section and he is obviously a 'cowboy' for not agreeing with you.

• Sustain a trivial injury at work then make a good attempt at the world record for malingering at home/pub during your 'convalescence'.

• Play late arrival dare. Over a number of days increase your start time in the morning until this leads to a frosty confrontation with your supervisor. Times vary for the zenith of lateness - in special cases skilled skivers (CG) can arrive well into the afternoon before sufficiently annoying their boss. The ensuing argument is a great source of hilarity for hard working-start on time colleagues.

• Wear weird safety specs that simulate tunnel vision.

• Suggest that perhaps the floors could be buffed more often by less attractive cleaners.

• Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

• Leap on your supervisor's desk and play 'Candle in the Wind' using a combination of farting and buttock slapping. Begin to cry and demand three weeks compassionate leave.

• Ask the sefety officer for the entire back catalogue of his safety inspection dictaphone tapes and release 'The Best Safety Inspections Album In The World....Ever'. Follow this up by the contradictory 'The Best Safety Inspections Album In The World....Ever II'.

• Write a bizarre science fiction story for the yearbook adopting the writing style of a twelve year old.

• E-mail the whole department constantly with trivial statements about your whereabouts and/or shutdowns, eg 'my office will be shut at 10.30 am on Thursday 26th March 1998 for five minutes whilst I have a crap' or 'the safety shower in the abandoned sub-basement will be out of operation for five seconds at 3.05 am on Saturday due to essential maintenance on its lower sprocket bearing - we apologise for any inconvenience caused'.

(end quote)

I figure that the author works in some mind-numbing technical or scientific facility. Also, the 1998 reference indicates that the death of Princess Diana was fresh in the author's mind, which makes the "Candle in the Wind" thing funny. Other than that, I can't find anything else about the source.

I'm trying to find the humor in my current state of ambivalence, boredom, and general anxiety. This is better than wallowing in loneliness and the fact that everyone I know has paired off and is not available to go carousing with me. I could say that I wish I was one of those people, but I have to admit that not even I would go out with someone who described himself as ambivalent, bored, anxious, and lonely.

I think I'll post this entry on match.com and see what I get.

spent

So very many of you have written to me, asking after my wellbeing and curious as to the reason for my delay. Well, well, well...I've been busy. Here's a list, of sorts:

* was pretty disappointed by - and became deeply worried for - a close friend
* ran a camp for sixty-five children and was completely exhausted by the end of it
* hosted a reunion of friends, the likes of which as not been seen in years
* co-hosted a party which eventually saw 80 or so people in my 843-square-foot condo (throughout the day)...strangely, it did not feel cramped
* lost a beloved family member, and mourned her deeply
* traveled to New York for her funeral
* traveled back to Atlanta for the Fourth
* traveled BACK to NYC for a workshop and saw six Broadway shows, which inspired me greatly
* lost a friend, but no funeral was involved
* ventured to DC to visit a friend, do some work on a new piece, see some more theater, and just generally ham it up
* finally came home today to do laundry

Sorry if that's kryptic, but I'm exhausted. So much has happened in the last month; perhaps one day I'll be able to unzip the file that's in my head and divine some kind of meaning in all of this.

wake-up call

Who needs an alarm clock? I was awakened this morning by two things:

* The loudmouth "drill sergeant" who runs the local Boot Camp Fitness thing in my neighborhood. She was screaming at her troops as they jogged along my street - at 6 AM.

* A moth, trapped in my bedroom, battering itself against the walls, presumably trying to find its way out.

I can think of about ten other ways in which I'd prefer to wake up, a few of which are unfit to put in this forum. Funny, though, isn't it? A screaming fitness instructor and a little teenytiny moth can have the same effect.

I must admit, however, that I do like getting up rather early. I NEVER thought I would ever say that since I'll sleep 'til dusk when left to my own devices. I think it has to do with our very, very long summer days here in the South.

That and the fact that I've finally come to the realization that I don't bounce back the way I used to, ifyaknowwhatimean....

topsy - turvy

Well, well, well.

To say that the weekend was interesting would not only be boring but also an understatement. In a nutshell, I had fun, laughed some, cried some, stressed myself, relaxed myself, bonded further with my family, and went on a date. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally.

And today I have to go back to work...which I'll just go ahead and say I don't want to do. But I'll soldier through, do the deed, and then I'm off again for a spell.

Cried, you ask? Yes, I cried. Disappointment stinks, and (please beware: hyperbole ahead) I feel like a little teeny tiny part of me went cold and hard over the weekend. It makes me feel older, and I don't like that.

Ok, enough krypticism. This week holds...

* work
* a party
* preparing for said party (no small task)
* a convocation of old friends, which is sure to revive the small part of me that went cold this weekend

Good times.

and i hear people say she's getting old...

I have not been working for the last few days, so I have indulged in the luxury of NOT shaving. I like to do that every now and then. I don't particularly like the way I look with a beard, but my skin feels like a baby's when I finally shave it off my face. I do like that.

So I was all ready to let the beard grow out until I have to go back to work on Monday, when I looked in the mirror this morning...

...and saw grey in my whiskers.

I couldn't slather on the fancypants, costs-more-than-it-should-but-smells-so-good shaving cream fast enough.

Now, I'm not one of those people that freaks out about getting old (generally). But I wasn't of clear head this morning, so I lost it for a second. Grey hair in combination with a bit of recent weight gain spells "Oh...he used to be so cute," not "Damn, Daddy!"

So I lost the grey. Now I'll lose the weight. If only I could do that in the shower, too.

a new favorite thing

I was strolling along Tenth Street today, mocking the fools that line up for the Flying Biscuit (I mean, why wait an HOUR in 90 degree heat for a plate of mediocre eggs and pudge), when I saw a t-shirt that had this on it:

"Guns don't kill people...people with moustaches kill people."

Hah!

i'm as corny as kansas in august

So. Here's what I did today:

* Moved rack of costumes into basement storage space. I can now walk around in my kitchen...heck I might even set up a table and chairs...
* Agreed to go on a trip to NYC: three days of Broadway shows and workshops, with all expenses paid by a third party. To think that I had to think TWICE about this...
* Booked a room for a performance with a partner-in-crime who is out of his mind...
* Secured a DJ for said performance (also a friend and fellow fool)
* Confirmed plans with another fool who has agreed to write and direct the thing
* Went to the gym...to fit into costumes for said event
* Went to the grocery and bought healthy food so I can fit into the costumes so that a friend and I can make fools of ourselves in a piece written by an even greater fool at a venue where our other friend will be spinning...
* Agreed to leave the PR up to the OSW (he's good at that, dontchaknow...) I don't imagine that the six people who read these words amount to "letting the cat out of the bag." However, it is the interweb...
* Oh...and decided to take an acting class to keep the machine gassed up if ya know what I mean...

Not a bad day. This could be a wonderful thing and then again...this could be a debacle, but it sure is fun the think about.

gin and regret

Well, well, well.

Contrary to what the OSW says on his blog (link to the right), I did NOT participate in a drink off with him on Saturday night. After speaking with the OSW early on Saturday, I figured that he had too much of a lead and that I'd cut my losses. There are two sides to every story, y'all...

I made up for lost time, however, at the OSW's brunch on Sunday. Oy. A delicious blend of food, drink, and friends. Which blended into a porch party elsewhere...which blended into Blake's...which blended into blah blah blah blah blah...

Life in America is hard. I mean, I have a big party to plan (with the aforementioned OSW), guests to prepare for, and a cabaret to write.

I'm swamped.

kate smith is warming up...

One more of my favorite things, courtesy of today's AJC:

Couple Sues Wal-Mart Over Slip in Vomit

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A woman's fall in a puddle of vomit has resulted in a lawsuit against Wal-Mart. June Medema, slipped in the vomit at a Davenport Wal-Mart on June 13, 2005, according to the lawsuit, filed by Medema and her husband, James, in Scott County District Court earlier this month.

Medema claims that she was seriously injured in the fall.

The lawsuit alleges that Wal-Mart's negligence led to Medema's fall, but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent.

John Simley, a Wal-Mart spokesman, decline comment saying he hadn't seen the lawsuit.

The lawsuit claims that Medema suffered serious neck and upper back injuries in the fall and has undergone several surgeries and is unable to work."

Wal-Mart + vomit + moron/midwesterner = frivolous lawsuit. God Bless America!!!

"what need we manhattan...?

...just us and a cat in
a cottage on Cape Cod!"

Well, I think we'll be able to do without the cat, but you get the drift.

Every. Single. Time. I go to Provincetown, I'm amazed by new things, despite the fact that it is always the same old P'Town. Below, a list...to help me draw the memories of the last two days to the cheery foreground of my mind...

* Heaven is riding the ferry to P'Town and seeing the OSW waiting for you at the dock.
* Our hosts could not have been more gracious. I could go on, but I won't. It would be redundant. They are amazing men.
* Rode my bike all over town and felt for all the world that I was flying.
* I want to be a townie and am resolved to take steps in that direction.
* I have yet to eat a bad meal in that place.
* I finally met my husband. We've been married for some time, but I just met him this weekend (long story). The ONE photo that I've seen of him does not do him justice. Honestly, there must be a problem with the men of Boston if that one is single...
* I have come to the conclusion that everyone in P'Town is friendly. And not in that fakey, Southern I'll-talk-nice-to-you-and-then-criticize-you-when-you-turn-away kind of way. Friendly.
* Talked with God for one single, beautiful moment. It was neat.
* Screaming on the dance floor at the Boat Slip seems to always get a laugh.
* A favorite moment? Watching the sunset over the bay and looking up and down the beach to see hundreds of other people doing the same thing. The more I think I know about the world, the more I'm floored by the simple, gorgeous things that strike a bell in so many of us.

Labor Day cannot come fast enough.

and i don't have the munchies

My water smells like marijuana.

No joke. This has been the case for months now, and I know it to afflict the plumbing elsewhere in town (other friends have pointed it out, much to my amazement - I thought I was the only one). I even emailed the city water department, but I suspect the deleted it immediately, sending me to the "crazy" file.

But honestly...I turn on the shower or start the laundry or simply brush my teeth, and I can totally smell pot. Medicine mixed with sweet with dash of earthy. It's gross. I suspect that it has something to do with the massive water and sewer overhaul in Our Fair City these days. And it is probably toxic, but whatever.

In other news, I have maintained my clean home, had people over this weekend, and have a brief but oh-so-needed jaunt to the Cape this weekend. Cape Cod, that is.

As the OSW says, life in America does not suck.

dolly'll never go away...

You know, it has indeed been quite a long time since I've written, and I think I have a good reason for that.

Actually, I HAVE written quite a bit in the last little while. I'll be inspired to write about something, I'll sit and punch it out, and then read it....only to select-all-delete the whole damn thing.

Why?

Because nine times out of ten the tone of my writing was bitter, judgemental, and just plain stinkin' negative. And I din't like it one bit.

Topics included that high school quarterback to killed himself in a drunken car accident, Rev. Jerry F.'s death, some bits n' pieces in our fair local newspaper, etc. But my take on each of those things had a decidedly hurtful slant to it, and I did not like how I sounded. And no amount of clever wordplay seemed to diminish the meanness of my commentary.

Something has shifted in me recently. Now, I'm still acerbic, sardonic, and critical. I don't think that my wit has dulled in any way.

But I (re)started this blog to hone my writing and simultaneously get some stuff out, and part of that is picking and choosing how I present myself. It is a theme that has manifested itself in my home, my diet, and my body. I welcome the change.

I just hope this isn't the "manic" phase of a developing bipolar disorder. That would fuckin' suck.

now i don't feel so bad...

This story strikes me as funny...

From yesterday's AJC:

SUNBURY, Pa. — A woman accused of holding police at bay by brandishing poisonous snakes was sentenced to house arrest and probation.

"I just wasn't in the right frame of mind that night," said Terry Jackson, 36, at her sentencing Monday.

Officers were trying to prevent the despondent woman from harming herself with a hunting knife when the confrontation took place Oct. 25, police said.

Jackson picked up two western diamondback rattlesnakes, a pygmy rattlesnake and two copperheads to try to keep police from taking her into custody, authorities said.

Jackson, who was raising the snakes for laboratories, received several bites during the standoff and was taken to a hospital after police subdued her with a stun gun.

The snakes were later donated to a zoo in Hershey.


I LOVE it: "I just wasn't in the right frame of mind that night."

Brilliant.