Thursday, December 20, 2007

what the fuck is "pudge?"

Want some PUDGE?

I hate - with the fire of a thousand suns kinda hate - the Flying Biscuit.


It's on the corner near my house, and the stench of pudge and bad biscuits just hovers over my neighborhood.

I had to walk by it in order to get to a bookstore, where I planned to purchase a gift. The stink of that shitty food surrounded me, and I threw up in my mouth just a little bit.

I looked inside the windows of that stupid place, at its stupid, "quirky," mismatched, sorta "shabby chic" interior. There was a smattering of people in there, for dinner, and they all looked miserable. Miserable. As if they suddenly found themselves in that stinkin' place, instead of the real restaurant where they'd intended to go.

The servers are surly, the food mediocre, and you can't even get a stupid drink in that place. Beer and wine only. Neat.A night trapped in hell.

Just thought I'd get that out.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

ok, ok, i get it, i GET it...

As I sit here watching the finale of "The Biggest Loser," I'm prompted to offer up this, a fictional phone conversation between a "mother" and a "daughter."

(phone rings)

Daughter: Hello?

Mother: How you doin', honey?

Daughter: Oh, hey, Mom... I'm fine. A little down in the dumps, but fine. I'm just feeling a little funky about some stuff these days and...

Mother (interrupting): Aw, honey, you'll be fine! Now. How's your exercise regimen comin' along?

Daughter: Well, I haven't really been inspired to work out lately. It seems that I've had a lot going on, and I just sometimes think that...

Mother (interrupting again): Well, you just gotta get on that horse again, ya know? I mean, you were on quite a roll there for a while and I just know that you'll feel better once you drop a few pounds and get back out there.

Daughter: I know that, Motherrrr. But it just seems that these days I'm struggling with some stuff, and I'd really like to talk ab...

Mother (yet another interruption): So what ever happened to that guy you were seeing? He was pretty hot.

Daughter: Well, things didn't work out. I'm not feeling all that confident, and work has got me sooooo beat that I just don't have the energy and attention to devote to nurturing a new relationship. Especially with someone who gets put off by the fact that I'm a very busy person with a lot of things pulling me in a bunch of directions. You know what he did? He got upset with me because I had plans, and ...

Mother: Aw, that's horrible. Really horrible. His loss. Well, I'm sure you'll get back out there. I mean, we all of us married ladies just sit around and wonder when YOU'RE going to finally settle down. I mean, you'd be such a catch if you'd just drop a few pounds and...

Daughter: Gotta go, Mom. TTYL!


You know what? To quote a great philosopher:

"One of these days some li'l terrorist bomber might just come in here and blow up this entire joint and then no one's gonna hafta worry about ME!"

Monday, December 17, 2007


I'm feeling a little Scrooge-ish, so here's a little list...

* "Scrooge" is on the brain because I just completed a huge, crazy, and wonderful production of "A Christmas Carol." So much went into it; I'll unzip the file in my brain later...

* I can't bear to watch the new American Idol-style Choir competition show. I mean, you just know from the get-go that the show's gonna be a mess when four choirs sing James Brown's "Livin' in America." Also, what's the point of watching when you know from the get-go that Patti LaBelle's choir is going to win because she's a sassy lady who can sang and grew up sangin' in church. Not to mention the fact that she knows how to get her praise on...because she grew up sangin' in church, you know...

* This week, I get to step back into life (..with Depends). Tonight: rest. Tomorrow night: Clean and set up Christmas trees (I want two). Wednesday: decorate trees and go OUT!

* Kryptic Komment Aler(k)t: I'm very sad that all of my travel plans have fallen apart, for a lot of reasons.

* I miss Little John.

* I need a vacation.

* The OSW and I are going to throw a party next week! YAY! It's at his house! BIGGER YAAAAAAYYY!

Y'all come!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

and i hear people say she's getting old...

I'm definitely getting old.

Ten really fabulous people just called to tell me that they're meeting up at the bar ACROSS THE STREET from my home, and I declined. I have to work tomorrow.

Old? Responsible? What's the difference?

And yes...I want a fuckin' medal.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Sunday, December 09, 2007

o. m. g.

I'm a bit busy. To that end...a list:

* It was 77 degrees in Our Fair City today. I mean, it's kinda neat, but there is something TERRIBLY discombobulating about hearing all those Christmas carols at the Starbucks while wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

* Speaking of Christmas carols, one in particular has had me very, very busy these days, hence my "paucity of posts." I hate the word "paucity." Someone should drop it from her lexicon.

* Tonight, I worked and then went to my parents' house for dinner. My mother asked me to help her put the lights on the Christmas tree. She didn't really need my help - any retard can put lights on a tree - but she WANTED some help, which is a different thing. It was fun...and you know what? The Christmas Spirit descended upon me for the first time, and it felt pretty good.

* My parents are very, very happy by the way. Which makes me feel good.

* To do: Christmas tree, laundry, house, travel, and write posts that are only SLIGHTLY more cryptic than someone else's.

and on a slightly different note...

* Somebody sent me a youtube video of a retarded girl asking about menstruation (or, as she put it, a "pewiod"). It was gross/funny/educational/sick/appalling. The worst part was when her older sister said, "Well, I'm having my period right now. Why don't I show you how to change a panty liner..." AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW US HER SOILED, DIRTY, DISGUSTING, SLOUGHED-OFF-ENDOMETRIUM-ENCRUSTED PANTYLINER!!! AAAAAAAHHH!