Thursday, January 24, 2008

ahhhh...the ajc

Not that the "Celebrity Birthdays" section of the AJC's entertainment column qualifies as "reporting," but I find the following error to be quite funny. Funny and sad, because I bet I could find at least a dozen similar errors in Our Fair City's "newspaper."

Read carefully...


Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91. Singer Neil Diamond is 67. Actress Matthew Lillard (“Scooby Doo,” “She’s All That”) is 38. Actor Ed Helms (“The Office”) is 34. Actress Mischa Barton (above) (“The O.C.”) is 22.

Did Matthew Lillard have a little surgery?

vote libertarian!

Perhaps one of the best "Betty Butterfield's" EVER!

I suspect that her Vietvenese pharmacist has upped her dosage of Zoloft. She's in real, real high spirits these days, y'all.

Or maybe she's finally been Saved...

Monday, January 21, 2008

truth be told

An actual conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: Norma, how are you doing this weekend?

Norma: Well, to be honest...I'm a little troubled.

OSW: Aww, honey, what's wrong?

Norma: Well, there's something that's been bothering me. I mean, all weekend, the local media has been trying to convince us that we should avoid the "black guys" on the streets. Honestly! This is MLK weekend! Dr. Martin Luther the King would WANT us to come together and break down those barriers... but NOOOOOO! The local TV news and print media are telling us to avoid the "black guys on the roads" at all costs!

OSW: Norma, I think they said "black ice." You on the streets that you can't see?


Norma: You mean, they weren't talking about the black men on the corner?

OSW: No, Norma...they weren't.

Norma: What?!?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

stormtracker 2008 upd8

The First Baptist Church of Cumming is closed tomorrow.

coming to you live from the stormcenter...

...wherever that is...

I'm pleased to report that there is still plenty of milk, eggs, and bread at the Ansley Mall Kroger. The situation is under control, and we will be working around the clock to make sure that you have all the information about bread, milk, and eggs that we can possibly give you in the first eleven minutes of our news broadcast.

Oh. And Paul Ossman is a big fat pig.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


So. Everyone close to me who has had some health stuff going on (necessitating the "preparations" cited below) has come through with flying colors. Sex can be had, lives have been prolonged, and procreation can occur. Neat.

Although, the notion of something as large as a pineapple growing inside me (unwanted and unplanned, to boot) is just a little disturbing.

Life is a banquet, y'all. Please keep reminding me of that.

Monday, January 14, 2008

kids....! know I love 'em!"

Beetlejuice is another of my favorite films, for many reasons:

* Alec Baldwin was still hot hot hot hot hot HOT HOOOOTT!

* Some of the most underrated one-liners in film. To wit...the ghosts' caseworker, Juno (played by the inimitable Sylvia Sydney) wonders why the ghosts are so unhappy in their home, which has been remodeled by new owners since their deaths. "Things seem pretty quiet around here," she rasps. "You should thank God you didn't die in Italy." Genius.

* A hysterical score by Danny Elfman

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the post-modern, Art In America representation of a country home.

* What? A clever plot, subtle dialogue, great design, fabulous music, and just enough "quirk" to make it different? WHAT'S THAT?

* Oh...two words: Catherine. O'Hara.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

that's my baby

In honor of those in my life who are dear to me...who have recently had to endure a "preparation..."

Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an apperntment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

brand new day

Despite the dreary weather, I feel absolutely terrific today. Not 100%, but a helluva lot better than I did yesterday.

The clip above is one of my favorites ever: "Brand New Day" from the wonderful/awful movie version of "The Wiz." I love a lot of things about the clip:

* Michael Jackson was wonderful before he really freaked out

* Diana Ross can't dance for shit (check out her pit stains when she flails her arms about)

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene when the Winkies transform by shedding their skin and turning into beautiful, Nubian, Alvin Ailey dancers in loincloths

It's a long clip, but it best sums up my state of mind today. Bear with me...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

how can i be sure you're not pretender

So. I'm home sick with viral plague today, and lotsa neat things have happened:

* I looked into the corner of my living room and saw what I thought was a dried leaf from a poinsettia, long since discarded. It was, in fact, a little green lizard. I screamed like a girl and flung it off the porch with a broom.

* I went to the grocery to get more orange juice and chicken soup. Let this be a reminder to all of you: NEVER go to the grocery on a Wednesday. It's Senior Citizens Day, and you will never escape in a reasonable amount of time.

* I had a great time watching the flatbed lumber delivery truck try to do a U-turn on my dead end street.

* I have plumbed the depths of the interweb, and have found very, very little of interest.

* There have been almost non-stop sirens and helicopters in my area for the last few minutes. I suspect that the sewer construction crew hit some kind of main. Great...brown water again...

* But, the BEST thing that happened was an email from Mrs. Steve, containing the totally SFW morsel below:

Thanks, Mrs. Steve. Bock bock.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

i sense a disturbance in the force

That's what I'm blaming my current state of malaise upon - a disturbance in the force.

I'm sick with viral plague or something. Shakes, shivers, ravenous appetite n' other stuff has kept me down for a little while. On Friday night I was fine. Saturday? Miserable. On Sunday and Monday I was OK. Last night and today? Miserable. But I'm feeling better again, so hopefully my potion of vitamin C, gallons of water, Mucinex, and Tylenol (with a night time NyQuil chaser) is doing the trick.

In other news...

* It is currently 65 degrees in Our Fair City - IN JANUARY! Yes, we live in the south, and yes it's typically warmer here. But all of this warm weather really fucks with my internal clock, and I don't like it one bit.

* My sleep patterns are wacky.

* I have a blockage when it comes to maintaining my home. I just don't care about it, and I need to care about it.

* The street outside my condo looks as if it is wet - and it hasn't rained in days!

* I have family coming to town this weekend, and my mother has issued an extremely passive-aggressive Drop Everything You Are Doing edict. Even at my age, I still can't say no.

I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" right

That's all.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Sid: You are a star because you are great and you are a great star, but in the past few years you are better known as an adulteress and a drunk. And I say this with all due respect!

Helen Sinclair: Please, I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve.

Sid: You're talking Chinese New Year.

Helen Sinclair: Naturally. Still, that's two days! Do you know how long that is for me?

I think I post the above quote at about this time every year. Still, I embrace this cleanliness with an open heart. It don't take a psychic to predict my inevitable side-step off the wagon. But I do feel good, and think that I might be able to handle this odd, odd thing called "moderation." Until tonight's dinner party at the OSW's...hmmmm...

OMG -and hooray for Obama!!!!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

all right, all right... FINE

I'll update.

Truth be told, I'm real, real glad that these holidays are over. I ate, drank, and spent too much, and I'm happy that the cold has finally arrived so that I can hibernate in every way possible.

Not that my holidays weren't wonderful. My family time was charming, as always: a perfect holiday dinner at Trois, and then a couple of days of civilized Christmas cheer at home. Our place is a sort of "Island of Misfit Toys" at the holidays, and anyone who is in need of company, a fire, a drink, and a meal are welcome. I got some gifts, gave some gifts, and really did appreciate everything.

I spent a lot of time with friends this holiday. The OSW was off work for almost as long as I was, so we had our fair share of quality time. There were tons of parties - including one thrown by the OSW and yours truly - and it seemed that everyone was out and about every night. I will confess that I may have "celebrated" a bit too much, but 'twas the season, I suppose. I'm writing this now in hopes that at this time next year, I'll re-read it and stay in and resist temptation a little more. Oh, and I went on one of the WORST dates of my entire career, which didn't do much for my sense that the dating scene in Atlanta is anything but hopeless.

As for New Year's Eve, it may come as a surprise to some of you to learn that I stayed in on December 31st. I had some pretty wonderful options, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like a fifth wheel at each of them, so I decided to stay at home. Also, I felt like I was really working up the energy to go out, and when you have to work at it that hard, it's probably a good idea to stay home. On New Year's Day, I learned that I didn't miss much at either event, that both were fun, but fairly predictable experiences, so I'm glad I stayed in for the evening.

So. What does one do when home alone on New Year's Eve? Well, I ordered Chinese food, had a cocktail, and thought long and hard about what it is that I want.

It is with a touch of melancholy that I start 2008, but I think I know what to do about it. I won't bore you with my list of totally predictable resolutions. Suffice it to say that I learned a lot in 2007, and will use the coming year to put it into useful practice.

Peace to all of you.