my teaching methods are fairly unique

So very many of you have contacted me lately, wondering if the character below is perhaps based upon me:



No. It is not.

judy bernley....please hold...

Been a bit busy these days. Like these girls, but without the marijuana or sexist-egotistical-lying-hypocritical-bigot of a boss.

But real, real busy. Talk soon.

self hater

I know that I will incur the wrath of certain people, but I have a confession to make.

You see, I have the day off (it's Maundy Thursday) so I slept in a bit and woke up hungry. Since I live in a neighborhood that's supposed to be "walkable," I thought I'd walk out and get some breakfast. When I'm not working, I like to park my car and not move it again until I absolutely have to do so. Sadly, there was only one place to go.

The Fucking Flying Biscuit.

I know, I know, I KNOW! Stop hating! Believe me, i've already beat myself up over it. I really thought long and hard about it, and eventually decided that I didn't want to drive across town to West Egg, even though it's a superior breakfast place. And there's nothing else around here. I thought, "It's just eggs and grits...how bad can it be?"

Well, it was bad. And I hate myself for falling into that infernal place's trap. Please forgive me.

In other food-related news, I've settled on a menu for Sunday's Eastah brunch with my family. And in honor of today, the first day of spring, I plan to throw open the windows and clean EVERYTHING.

sheesh

This is some weird news, from the AJC....

I mean, it's not weirder than a lady sitting on the toilet for two years, but it's still a bit odd.

annuale

No one...and I mean NO ONE...makes fun of women like a woman can. My Goddess this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

hay

Had a great time in Los Angeles. Previously, I have always said that I hate LA. Now, I can honestly say that I like it, and was able to find inspiration there.

A brief rundown (more for my own memory than your entertainment...sorry):

Celeb sightings: RuPaul (sans drag), Rami from Project Runway, Vince Vaughn, and Paula Poundstone. In fact I sat next to Paula on the whole flight from Atlanta to LA, and somehow managed to avoid speaking with her. She had this distinct look that said, "Please leave me alone." Not crazy, not uppity, just a celebrity who didn't want to spend four hours talking to a stranger. I was happy to oblige. I was a non-celebrity who just wanted to read. Oh, and we drove by Cher's compound in Malibu. Didn't see her, though. Like she'd just HAPPEN to be taking out the trash or something...

Bar Review: Loved Akbar and MJ's. While at Akbar, Kenny and I were approached by TWO different groups of people, just to chat and say hay. You wouldn't believe how rare that is, so I was enchanted.

You know what? West Hollywood? Feh. We spent precious little time there, and - truth be told - that's fine with me. I mean, I'm sure that I could have a great time there, but I think we were all happier in other venues. Not that I'm the most "alternative" person in the world, but everyone looked like plastic molds of one another, and I just need a little difference in flavor...

Best lounge experience by far? The Dresden Room. It defies description. I'll try someday, but suffice it to say that Norma has found the next venue for her act. Maybe PTB can come do a little backup retardation....

We saw a terrible movie (Be Kind..Rewind) in an amazing movie theater (the Arclight). When you buy tickets online for any show at this theater, they note that when they say the movie begins at 8:15, it will begin shortly thereafter. They do not show advertisements, and the previews are brief. Additionally, they CLOSE the doors at the start of the movie. If you haven't made it in by then, well...tough titty. Awesome.

We went to the Getty Villa, to view the newly-restored building and the antiquities collection that is housed within its walls. It was absolutely wonderful. Kenny and I drifted around the stunningly-restored villa, and marveled at the breathtaking art and gardens. And it's FREE!

But, as always, the best trips are about the company. It felt great to visit with old friends and see their lives. And it was great to return home to new(er) friends. Mission accomplished: a change of scenery restored my outlook, and I feel ready to sally forth.

I'm not even very angry about the work crew that began working on my roof this morning - AT SEVEN A.M. Well, maybe just a little angry.

xl

There are few things that I would like to describe with the letters "XL." The shirts and pants I purchased today ARE NOT AMONG THEM!

So. Since I went shopping today (in preparation for a little vacation I'm taking to Los Angeles on Friday) I have been to the gym and then to My Whole Foods, to purchase good stuff to replace the krap that has accumulated in my fridge.

I regret spending such money on clothing that I hope to not fit into within a few months, but I had to do something. Just a few shirts n' stuff to get me through the spring. No sense in looking AND feeling like shit.

Whew. I feel better already.

It's been a rough week at work. Some might call it "torturous." I don't mean to exaggerate, but LAWRT...I've put in some HOURS this week. The worst of it was that after very busy day, I had to endure a two-hour "improv comedy show." Two hours trapped in hell....

And I have to work tomorrow, too. So I'm stayin' in, bein' a kleen teen, and trying to avoid a repeat of last weekend's shame spiral. Oddly, I'm ok with that. Some might call that "growth."

I'm also ok with the two days of rain that we've had here in Our Fair City. Typically, I develop a weird moodiness when I don't see the sun for over 48 hours, but I'm well aware of how much we need the rain. Maybe we'll even get some pretty dogwoods this spring...

So. On tap for the weekend (a phrase I hate but will use in solidarity with all of my other blogging friends)? Work, a film, an OSW dinner, and more work. No Oscar parties, though...they're just fuckin' obnoxious.

you know...i cried when i had no shoes...

...until I met a man who had no feet...

...and then I laughed...rrreally hard.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok....MESSAGE RECEIVED!

I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of being tired.

My mom sent me some real, real cute photos that were taken recently. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I've since put down the ice cream, I'm layin' off the sauce, and I might just go to the gym tomorrow.

Great God almighty! Was I waiting for tonight's lunar eclipse to alter my consciousness to the point that I just finally fuckin' get up and do something about how weird I've been feeling lately? Jeez Louise!

Now, were I an armchair psychotherapist, I might review my posts on this forum and self-diagnose myself as a something called a "manic depressive." God, I hope that's not the case.

I prefer to just chalk it up to poor diet. Yeah...that's it. Crappy food.

I'm baaaaack...

Ok.

It's no secret that I really don't like Valentime's Day.

I won't go into the reasons...it's nothing personal...well, maybe a little personal. But I won't bore you with the details of WHY I hate Valentime's Day.

I'll just tell you about my day.

Woke up early this morning, constipated from the rich food at Cuerno last night. Neat. I went through my day, watching dozens and dozens of shitty, ugly, horrible flower arrangements float by as they were placed on top of desks at my place of employment. Some were adorned with teddy bears n' balloons - klassy. Lots of people wished me a Happy Valentime's Day, to which I responded, "Humbug." Fielded many inane questions about whether or not I had a Special Someone, and had to apply much antiseptic to the searing gash in my back, as the knife twisted with each inquiry.

Throughout the day, I wished to call many friends, but didn't, as most of them are in relationships and I just didn't feel like talking about all of that. Suffered the assurances of many people that I would find someone someday. Neat.

After a long and depressing day at work (for reason's beyond the whole Valentime's Thing), I ventured to Your Ansley Mall Kroger, and sat in the parking lot for a moment before entering. It was 9:30 PM, and hand to God: there were RIVERS of men pouring out of that place with shitty floral arrangements and balloons and krap, surely on their way home to ridiculous, hideous, demanding women who dreamed of Helzberg diamonds but instead will get some shitty bouquet with a teddy bear stuffed into it, probably embroidered with the phrase "I wuv you BEARY MUCH!" Serves 'em all right.

Once inside the Kroger, I selected my goods and breezed past the Valentime's aisle - at the suggestion of the night manager, whose voice on the loudspeaker advised me that there were still "great deals to be had!" The aisle looked like the Seasonal Items aisle at your local Kroger - in Baghdad or Darfur. Tatters. Shreds. Chocolates everywhere. Discarded rose petals. Gross.

I drove home, and the OSW called to complain about choking on some nuts. Don't ask.

I quickly mixed myself a cocktail, and can honestly say that it's the only stiff thing I'm getting this Valentime's Day. Somehow, I'm ok with that.

fun new activity!

Find That Hideous Grammatical Error in the Atlanta Journal Constitution!

Today's AJC - the paper of record for Our Fair City - has a coupla real lulu's this week.

BEHOLD! In an article about Cynthia McKinney's failed attempt to seal the Green Party presidential nomination in California, we find the following bit. McKinney used to be a congresswoman from Georgia, but nobody here likes her anymore, so she moved to California. Here's a portion of the AJC's report:

"McKinney won Green Party primaries in Arkansas and Illinois and is in slightly trailing Nader in Massachusetts, according to the Green Party. The party reported there were voting irregularities Illinois, where some voters reported there were no Green Party ballots at some locations."

Huh? Who's editing the AJC? A corpse?

ahhhh...the ajc

Not that the "Celebrity Birthdays" section of the AJC's entertainment column qualifies as "reporting," but I find the following error to be quite funny. Funny and sad, because I bet I could find at least a dozen similar errors in Our Fair City's "newspaper."

Read carefully...

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91. Singer Neil Diamond is 67. Actress Matthew Lillard (“Scooby Doo,” “She’s All That”) is 38. Actor Ed Helms (“The Office”) is 34. Actress Mischa Barton (above) (“The O.C.”) is 22.

Did Matthew Lillard have a little surgery?

vote libertarian!

Perhaps one of the best "Betty Butterfield's" EVER!



I suspect that her Vietvenese pharmacist has upped her dosage of Zoloft. She's in real, real high spirits these days, y'all.

Or maybe she's finally been Saved...

truth be told

An actual conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: Norma, how are you doing this weekend?

Norma: Well, to be honest...I'm a little troubled.

OSW: Aww, honey, what's wrong?

Norma: Well, there's something that's been bothering me. I mean, all weekend, the local media has been trying to convince us that we should avoid the "black guys" on the streets. Honestly! This is MLK weekend! Dr. Martin Luther the King would WANT us to come together and break down those barriers... but NOOOOOO! The local TV news and print media are telling us to avoid the "black guys on the roads" at all costs!

OSW: Norma, I think they said "black ice." You know...ice on the streets that you can't see?

(pause)

Norma: You mean, they weren't talking about the black men on the corner?

OSW: No, Norma...they weren't.

Norma: What?!?

stormtracker 2008 upd8

The First Baptist Church of Cumming is closed tomorrow.

coming to you live from the stormcenter...

...wherever that is...

I'm pleased to report that there is still plenty of milk, eggs, and bread at the Ansley Mall Kroger. The situation is under control, and we will be working around the clock to make sure that you have all the information about bread, milk, and eggs that we can possibly give you in the first eleven minutes of our news broadcast.

Oh. And Paul Ossman is a big fat pig.

Whew.

So. Everyone close to me who has had some health stuff going on (necessitating the "preparations" cited below) has come through with flying colors. Sex can be had, lives have been prolonged, and procreation can occur. Neat.

Although, the notion of something as large as a pineapple growing inside me (unwanted and unplanned, to boot) is just a little disturbing.

Life is a banquet, y'all. Please keep reminding me of that.

kids....!

...you know I love 'em!"

Beetlejuice is another of my favorite films, for many reasons:

* Alec Baldwin was still hot hot hot hot hot HOT HOOOOTT!

* Some of the most underrated one-liners in film. To wit...the ghosts' caseworker, Juno (played by the inimitable Sylvia Sydney) wonders why the ghosts are so unhappy in their home, which has been remodeled by new owners since their deaths. "Things seem pretty quiet around here," she rasps. "You should thank God you didn't die in Italy." Genius.

* A hysterical score by Danny Elfman

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the post-modern, Art In America representation of a country home.

* What? A clever plot, subtle dialogue, great design, fabulous music, and just enough "quirk" to make it different? WHAT'S THAT?

* Oh...two words: Catherine. O'Hara.

that's my baby

In honor of those in my life who are dear to me...who have recently had to endure a "preparation..."



Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an apperntment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

brand new day

Despite the dreary weather, I feel absolutely terrific today. Not 100%, but a helluva lot better than I did yesterday.

The clip above is one of my favorites ever: "Brand New Day" from the wonderful/awful movie version of "The Wiz." I love a lot of things about the clip:

* Michael Jackson was wonderful before he really freaked out

* Diana Ross can't dance for shit (check out her pit stains when she flails her arms about)

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene when the Winkies transform by shedding their skin and turning into beautiful, Nubian, Alvin Ailey dancers in loincloths

It's a long clip, but it best sums up my state of mind today. Bear with me...