the phone

My cell phone went on the fritz over two weeks ago. July 10, to be exact. Some power surge or something here at Grey Gardens caused it to malfunction, and it would randomly dial and redial various phone numbers, unbeknownst to me. Imagine my surprise when TimO told me that my phone dialed him some 39 times while I was ignorantly dancing the night away at the A House. Sorry, Tim.

Unfortunately, there are no T-Mobile dealers here in Provincetown. Or Truro. Or Wellfleet. BUT the interweb told me that there was a dealer in Orleans, which is exactly where I was headed on July 13 for a family reunion. Perfect. I think, “I can last a coupla days without a phone.”

Here, then, is a list of the Great Kommunications Kaper of Kape Kod:

• Went to Orleans on the 13th only to discover that the Staples there no longer sells T-Mobile phones. The nearest place was the Cape Cod Mall in Hyannis, which wouldn’t fit in the plan.

• Back to PTown on the 14th, and attempted to order one on line. However, the online ordering service refused to ship to me in the Cape, only to my home in Atlanta. Neat.

• Borrow another friend’s phone to call T-Mobile and request replacement. Irritating Customer Service Rep #1 tells me that they won’t replace the phone (which I’ve only had for eight months, by the way) because it’s no longer under factory warranty. Apparently, I bought a lemon.

• Call Samsung to bitch about this, only to be shut down by ICSR#2.

• Call T-Mobile again to find a phone. They tell me that due to the circumstances, they will be happy to offer me a free phone. Huh?

• I go through the ordering process, at the tail end of which ICSR#3 tells me that I have to extend my contract with them for another year in order to get the “free” phone. I am now perturbed.

• I succumb to this idiocy and place the order, specifically requesting that it be shipped to me on the Cape as an express delivery. ICSR#3 says, “No problem!”

• Three days pass. No phone.

• One more call to T-Mobile. ICSR#4 chirpily offers to track the package, which I then learn was shipped to Atlanta via UPS Ground.

• I blow a gasket.

• I phone my tenant in Atlanta and ask him to send the phone to me ASAP on Sunday, July 20. He says, “Sure.”

• Three more days pass. No phone. I miss the OSW and want to call but can’t and it’s really gettin’ on my nerves.

• OSW speaks to tenant in Atlanta and informs me that the item was sent yesterday.

If it arrives tomorrow (which is highly unlikely, as Saturday deliveries are not popular in this neck of the woods), it will be SEVENTEEN days that I’ve gone without my own phone. While this has been liberating on some fronts, it has mostly made me crazy.

So that’s why I haven’t texted y’all back lately. Please forgive me.