fun new activity!

Find That Hideous Grammatical Error in the Atlanta Journal Constitution!

Today's AJC - the paper of record for Our Fair City - has a coupla real lulu's this week.

BEHOLD! In an article about Cynthia McKinney's failed attempt to seal the Green Party presidential nomination in California, we find the following bit. McKinney used to be a congresswoman from Georgia, but nobody here likes her anymore, so she moved to California. Here's a portion of the AJC's report:

"McKinney won Green Party primaries in Arkansas and Illinois and is in slightly trailing Nader in Massachusetts, according to the Green Party. The party reported there were voting irregularities Illinois, where some voters reported there were no Green Party ballots at some locations."

Huh? Who's editing the AJC? A corpse?

ahhhh...the ajc

Not that the "Celebrity Birthdays" section of the AJC's entertainment column qualifies as "reporting," but I find the following error to be quite funny. Funny and sad, because I bet I could find at least a dozen similar errors in Our Fair City's "newspaper."

Read carefully...

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91. Singer Neil Diamond is 67. Actress Matthew Lillard (“Scooby Doo,” “She’s All That”) is 38. Actor Ed Helms (“The Office”) is 34. Actress Mischa Barton (above) (“The O.C.”) is 22.

Did Matthew Lillard have a little surgery?

vote libertarian!

Perhaps one of the best "Betty Butterfield's" EVER!



I suspect that her Vietvenese pharmacist has upped her dosage of Zoloft. She's in real, real high spirits these days, y'all.

Or maybe she's finally been Saved...

truth be told

An actual conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: Norma, how are you doing this weekend?

Norma: Well, to be honest...I'm a little troubled.

OSW: Aww, honey, what's wrong?

Norma: Well, there's something that's been bothering me. I mean, all weekend, the local media has been trying to convince us that we should avoid the "black guys" on the streets. Honestly! This is MLK weekend! Dr. Martin Luther the King would WANT us to come together and break down those barriers... but NOOOOOO! The local TV news and print media are telling us to avoid the "black guys on the roads" at all costs!

OSW: Norma, I think they said "black ice." You know...ice on the streets that you can't see?

(pause)

Norma: You mean, they weren't talking about the black men on the corner?

OSW: No, Norma...they weren't.

Norma: What?!?

stormtracker 2008 upd8

The First Baptist Church of Cumming is closed tomorrow.

coming to you live from the stormcenter...

...wherever that is...

I'm pleased to report that there is still plenty of milk, eggs, and bread at the Ansley Mall Kroger. The situation is under control, and we will be working around the clock to make sure that you have all the information about bread, milk, and eggs that we can possibly give you in the first eleven minutes of our news broadcast.

Oh. And Paul Ossman is a big fat pig.

Whew.

So. Everyone close to me who has had some health stuff going on (necessitating the "preparations" cited below) has come through with flying colors. Sex can be had, lives have been prolonged, and procreation can occur. Neat.

Although, the notion of something as large as a pineapple growing inside me (unwanted and unplanned, to boot) is just a little disturbing.

Life is a banquet, y'all. Please keep reminding me of that.

kids....!

...you know I love 'em!"

Beetlejuice is another of my favorite films, for many reasons:

* Alec Baldwin was still hot hot hot hot hot HOT HOOOOTT!

* Some of the most underrated one-liners in film. To wit...the ghosts' caseworker, Juno (played by the inimitable Sylvia Sydney) wonders why the ghosts are so unhappy in their home, which has been remodeled by new owners since their deaths. "Things seem pretty quiet around here," she rasps. "You should thank God you didn't die in Italy." Genius.

* A hysterical score by Danny Elfman

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the post-modern, Art In America representation of a country home.

* What? A clever plot, subtle dialogue, great design, fabulous music, and just enough "quirk" to make it different? WHAT'S THAT?

* Oh...two words: Catherine. O'Hara.

that's my baby

In honor of those in my life who are dear to me...who have recently had to endure a "preparation..."



Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an apperntment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

brand new day

Despite the dreary weather, I feel absolutely terrific today. Not 100%, but a helluva lot better than I did yesterday.

The clip above is one of my favorites ever: "Brand New Day" from the wonderful/awful movie version of "The Wiz." I love a lot of things about the clip:

* Michael Jackson was wonderful before he really freaked out

* Diana Ross can't dance for shit (check out her pit stains when she flails her arms about)

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene when the Winkies transform by shedding their skin and turning into beautiful, Nubian, Alvin Ailey dancers in loincloths

It's a long clip, but it best sums up my state of mind today. Bear with me...

how can i be sure you're not pretender

So. I'm home sick with viral plague today, and lotsa neat things have happened:

* I looked into the corner of my living room and saw what I thought was a dried leaf from a poinsettia, long since discarded. It was, in fact, a little green lizard. I screamed like a girl and flung it off the porch with a broom.

* I went to the grocery to get more orange juice and chicken soup. Let this be a reminder to all of you: NEVER go to the grocery on a Wednesday. It's Senior Citizens Day, and you will never escape in a reasonable amount of time.

* I had a great time watching the flatbed lumber delivery truck try to do a U-turn on my dead end street.

* I have plumbed the depths of the interweb, and have found very, very little of interest.

* There have been almost non-stop sirens and helicopters in my area for the last few minutes. I suspect that the sewer construction crew hit some kind of main. Great...brown water again...

* But, the BEST thing that happened was an email from Mrs. Steve, containing the totally SFW morsel below:



Thanks, Mrs. Steve. Bock bock.

i sense a disturbance in the force

That's what I'm blaming my current state of malaise upon - a disturbance in the force.

I'm sick with viral plague or something. Shakes, shivers, ravenous appetite n' other stuff has kept me down for a little while. On Friday night I was fine. Saturday? Miserable. On Sunday and Monday I was OK. Last night and today? Miserable. But I'm feeling better again, so hopefully my potion of vitamin C, gallons of water, Mucinex, and Tylenol (with a night time NyQuil chaser) is doing the trick.

In other news...

* It is currently 65 degrees in Our Fair City - IN JANUARY! Yes, we live in the south, and yes it's typically warmer here. But all of this warm weather really fucks with my internal clock, and I don't like it one bit.

* My sleep patterns are wacky.

* I have a blockage when it comes to maintaining my home. I just don't care about it, and I need to care about it.

* The street outside my condo looks as if it is wet - and it hasn't rained in days!

* I have family coming to town this weekend, and my mother has issued an extremely passive-aggressive Drop Everything You Are Doing edict. Even at my age, I still can't say no.

I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" right now...so...

That's all.

Sid: You are a star because you are great and you are a great star, but in the past few years you are better known as an adulteress and a drunk. And I say this with all due respect!

Helen Sinclair: Please, I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve.

Sid: You're talking Chinese New Year.

Helen Sinclair: Naturally. Still, that's two days! Do you know how long that is for me?

I think I post the above quote at about this time every year. Still, I embrace this cleanliness with an open heart. It don't take a psychic to predict my inevitable side-step off the wagon. But I do feel good, and think that I might be able to handle this odd, odd thing called "moderation." Until tonight's dinner party at the OSW's...hmmmm...

OMG -and hooray for Obama!!!!

all right, all right... FINE

I'll update.

Truth be told, I'm real, real glad that these holidays are over. I ate, drank, and spent too much, and I'm happy that the cold has finally arrived so that I can hibernate in every way possible.

Not that my holidays weren't wonderful. My family time was charming, as always: a perfect holiday dinner at Trois, and then a couple of days of civilized Christmas cheer at home. Our place is a sort of "Island of Misfit Toys" at the holidays, and anyone who is in need of company, a fire, a drink, and a meal are welcome. I got some gifts, gave some gifts, and really did appreciate everything.

I spent a lot of time with friends this holiday. The OSW was off work for almost as long as I was, so we had our fair share of quality time. There were tons of parties - including one thrown by the OSW and yours truly - and it seemed that everyone was out and about every night. I will confess that I may have "celebrated" a bit too much, but 'twas the season, I suppose. I'm writing this now in hopes that at this time next year, I'll re-read it and stay in and resist temptation a little more. Oh, and I went on one of the WORST dates of my entire career, which didn't do much for my sense that the dating scene in Atlanta is anything but hopeless.

As for New Year's Eve, it may come as a surprise to some of you to learn that I stayed in on December 31st. I had some pretty wonderful options, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like a fifth wheel at each of them, so I decided to stay at home. Also, I felt like I was really working up the energy to go out, and when you have to work at it that hard, it's probably a good idea to stay home. On New Year's Day, I learned that I didn't miss much at either event, that both were fun, but fairly predictable experiences, so I'm glad I stayed in for the evening.

So. What does one do when home alone on New Year's Eve? Well, I ordered Chinese food, had a cocktail, and thought long and hard about what it is that I want.

It is with a touch of melancholy that I start 2008, but I think I know what to do about it. I won't bore you with my list of totally predictable resolutions. Suffice it to say that I learned a lot in 2007, and will use the coming year to put it into useful practice.

Peace to all of you.

what the fuck is "pudge?"

Want some PUDGE?

I hate - with the fire of a thousand suns kinda hate - the Flying Biscuit.

HATE.

It's on the corner near my house, and the stench of pudge and bad biscuits just hovers over my neighborhood.

I had to walk by it in order to get to a bookstore, where I planned to purchase a gift. The stink of that shitty food surrounded me, and I threw up in my mouth just a little bit.

I looked inside the windows of that stupid place, at its stupid, "quirky," mismatched, sorta "shabby chic" interior. There was a smattering of people in there, for dinner, and they all looked miserable. Miserable. As if they suddenly found themselves in that stinkin' place, instead of the real restaurant where they'd intended to go.

The servers are surly, the food mediocre, and you can't even get a stupid drink in that place. Beer and wine only. Neat.A night trapped in hell.

Just thought I'd get that out.

ok, ok, i get it, i GET it...

As I sit here watching the finale of "The Biggest Loser," I'm prompted to offer up this, a fictional phone conversation between a "mother" and a "daughter."

(phone rings)

Daughter: Hello?

Mother: How you doin', honey?

Daughter: Oh, hey, Mom... I'm fine. A little down in the dumps, but fine. I'm just feeling a little funky about some stuff these days and...

Mother (interrupting): Aw, honey, you'll be fine! Now. How's your exercise regimen comin' along?

Daughter: Well, I haven't really been inspired to work out lately. It seems that I've had a lot going on, and I just sometimes think that...

Mother (interrupting again): Well, you just gotta get on that horse again, ya know? I mean, you were on quite a roll there for a while and I just know that you'll feel better once you drop a few pounds and get back out there.

Daughter: I know that, Motherrrr. But it just seems that these days I'm struggling with some stuff, and I'd really like to talk ab...

Mother (yet another interruption): So what ever happened to that guy you were seeing? He was pretty hot.

Daughter: Well, things didn't work out. I'm not feeling all that confident, and work has got me sooooo beat that I just don't have the energy and attention to devote to nurturing a new relationship. Especially with someone who gets put off by the fact that I'm a very busy person with a lot of things pulling me in a bunch of directions. You know what he did? He got upset with me because I had plans, and ...

Mother: Aw, that's horrible. Really horrible. His loss. Well, I'm sure you'll get back out there. I mean, we all of us married ladies just sit around and wonder when YOU'RE going to finally settle down. I mean, you'd be such a catch if you'd just drop a few pounds and...

Daughter: Gotta go, Mom. TTYL!

(click)

You know what? To quote a great philosopher:

"One of these days some li'l terrorist bomber might just come in here and blow up this entire joint and then no one's gonna hafta worry about ME!"

euphoria

I'm feeling a little Scrooge-ish, so here's a little list...

* "Scrooge" is on the brain because I just completed a huge, crazy, and wonderful production of "A Christmas Carol." So much went into it; I'll unzip the file in my brain later...

* I can't bear to watch the new American Idol-style Choir competition show. I mean, you just know from the get-go that the show's gonna be a mess when four choirs sing James Brown's "Livin' in America." Also, what's the point of watching when you know from the get-go that Patti LaBelle's choir is going to win because she's a sassy lady who can sang and grew up sangin' in church. Not to mention the fact that she knows how to get her praise on...because she grew up sangin' in church, you know...

* This week, I get to step back into life (..with Depends). Tonight: rest. Tomorrow night: Clean and set up Christmas trees (I want two). Wednesday: decorate trees and go OUT!

* Kryptic Komment Aler(k)t: I'm very sad that all of my travel plans have fallen apart, for a lot of reasons.

* I miss Little John.

* I need a vacation.

* The OSW and I are going to throw a party next week! YAY! It's at his house! BIGGER YAAAAAAYYY!

Y'all come!

and i hear people say she's getting old...

I'm definitely getting old.

Ten really fabulous people just called to tell me that they're meeting up at the bar ACROSS THE STREET from my home, and I declined. I have to work tomorrow.

Old? Responsible? What's the difference?

And yes...I want a fuckin' medal.

some will get this..some won't

I heart this.

o. m. g.

I'm a bit busy. To that end...a list:

* It was 77 degrees in Our Fair City today. I mean, it's kinda neat, but there is something TERRIBLY discombobulating about hearing all those Christmas carols at the Starbucks while wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

* Speaking of Christmas carols, one in particular has had me very, very busy these days, hence my "paucity of posts." I hate the word "paucity." Someone should drop it from her lexicon.

* Tonight, I worked and then went to my parents' house for dinner. My mother asked me to help her put the lights on the Christmas tree. She didn't really need my help - any retard can put lights on a tree - but she WANTED some help, which is a different thing. It was fun...and you know what? The Christmas Spirit descended upon me for the first time, and it felt pretty good.

* My parents are very, very happy by the way. Which makes me feel good.

* To do: Christmas tree, laundry, house, travel, and write posts that are only SLIGHTLY more cryptic than someone else's.

and on a slightly different note...

* Somebody sent me a youtube video of a retarded girl asking about menstruation (or, as she put it, a "pewiod"). It was gross/funny/educational/sick/appalling. The worst part was when her older sister said, "Well, I'm having my period right now. Why don't I show you how to change a panty liner..." AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW US HER SOILED, DIRTY, DISGUSTING, SLOUGHED-OFF-ENDOMETRIUM-ENCRUSTED PANTYLINER!!! AAAAAAAHHH!