My Oracle

it is time

2008-09-14T23:04:00.001-04:00

After very little reflection, I've come to a conclusion:

I'm going to remove this blog.

regarding palin

2008-09-11T19:57:00.001-04:00

This, from Eve Ensler, pretty much says it all. Please read:

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in His name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

if you ever wondered...

2008-09-02T21:15:00.001-04:00

...there is a God indeed.

Good riddance.

another reason to ditch my car

2008-08-30T16:39:00.005-04:00

I got up bright and early today (after my morning phone call from the OSW) and set about my Saturday errands: haircut, lunch with Mrs. Steve, grocery, then home. Upon my return home, I discovered that the gate to our common garage wasn't functioning, leaving us all to park illegally on the street. All of the available LEGAL spaces were taken up by some annoying idiot in my building who was having a party celebrating some sort of athletic contest today. College football, I believe. Some school with red and white colors. I know this because our common spaces are festooned with the most vulgar balloons and cheap streamers in these colors. There are also all kinds of folks walking around in red and black clothing, drinking out of plastic cups and spouting nonsense about how THEIR team is the best and "heh heh heh..I'm really going to enjoy taking your money when the game's over" and other such krap. Call me a snob, but I just can't stand the culture that surrounds college and professional football. Gross. And they're taking up all of my parking spaces.

Since our good-for-nothing management company refuses to address the malfunctioning garage until TUESDAY (due to the holiday), I decided to avoid a possible ticket-and-towing scenario and park my car at the OSW's house. He's out of town, and I was planning a "car free" weekend anyway. So I drove over there, parked, watered his plants, and strolled back home.

My mood shifted when I called the OSW to let him know that I was parking at his house. He's up in PTown, and basically he let me know that I had made a mark on the town, and that the mark remains. He told me that he felt like he was home, and that he misses me. I look very much forward to the time when we're not giving each other reports on the phone, across that great distance.

I walked back home, listening to extraordinary music and once again giving thanks to whatever, for everything. I even scaled down my hatred of the idiots in my building, but just a little bit.

what the...?

2008-08-24T21:22:00.002-04:00

This is a new favorite thing.

I think I know what I'll do for Halloween...go to a cemetery and re-enact "Steel Magnolias!"

shall we all meet in the autumn?

2008-08-15T09:16:00.004-04:00

Here it is, only mid-August, and the leaves are already changing. It's very subtle, but there is a dustiness to the maple trees that border my home, and I know enough to know that it won't be too long before the fireworks begin. I'm curious about the effect of this drought on this year's autumnal palette.

It is strange to me that for the first time, I do not mourn the passing of the summer. It always brought anxiety to me when I was in school (all that early rising and schoolwork), and now that I work in the same environment, I'm surprised that those feelings have not been resurrected. I had the best summer of my life, a summer that a small part of me wishes had never ended.

But I have many great things looming on the horizon. I've got some pretty great travel plans in the works for the fall and winter. I've gone back to work and have found great satisfaction and inspiration there. And I'm excited about some other stuff that I frankly don't wish to explain in detail - but trust me: it's all good.

In other, more banal news:

* I'm not working today, and will try to have a "no driving" day.
* Two appliances at my home have had a meltdown, but I'm handy enough to fix them (or just do the American thing and throw them out and purchase new ones)
* Since I came home last week, I've dined FOUR times with the OSW
* My tenant left my home in impeccable condition (which I'm inclined to maintain)
* I'm still coughing up the mold and mildew of Grey Gardens (at least, I hope that's the source of this ridiculous, persistent cough). Cue scene from "Camille..."
* On tap for the weekend: dinner with friends tonight, work, a party, work, and the first Family Roundup since we all got back to Atlanta from points north. At my sister's new home.

Life in America is hard, y'all...

what i did in provincetown this summah

2008-08-08T10:27:00.003-04:00

You know what? When I told everyone that I planned to spend six weeks in Provincetown this summer, they all asked the same question: What are you going to do for six weeks in Provincetown if you're not working?

To that end, ladies and gentlemen, here is my very, VERY long list of Things I Did in Provincetown this Summah:

Saw Varla Jean Merman’s new show, Victory Lap Dance and was amazed by it
Saw The Wau Wau Sisters and befriended them
Saw Dina Martina’s show and must see it again to process it all (dialysis humor and “useless at-risk kids”)
Saw Miss Richfield’s show and hated it
Saw Two Boys in Bed on a Cold Winter’s Night and didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would
Laughed ‘til it hurt at Showgirls talent show
Gave several impromptu performances of my own on the street and in various parlours
Read five books: Land’s End by Michael Cunningham, Absolute Brightness by James Lecesne, When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, and Tennessee Williams in Provincetown by David Kaplan
Swam in the ocean every day when it was fair
Got an amazing tan
Went whale watching and saw over fifty humpback whales
Spoke with God a couple of times
Did three art crawls in the East End art galleries and chatted with some artists
Dined at the Lobster Pot – several times
Was told by the ladies at the Pot that I was “one of them” (commence tears)
Looked at some real estate
Went to a family reunion in Orleans
Had lunch with Mom, Dad, Sister and Aunts when they visited
Watched the Fourth of July Parade
Watched the Fourth of July fireworks over the marina
Got a Townie Pass to the Boatslip
Threw up behind the A House
Almost got arrested for “open container”
Wished that I’d been arrested so I could say that I spent the night in the PTown Clink
Ate at just about every restaurant in town
Went back to Orleans for dinner with my aunt and uncle
Rode my bike on or walked on just about every little street in this town
Saw a couple of people on Segways and thought the looked retarded
Took the pontoon ferry over to Long Point for an exquisite afternoon on the beach
Hosted a host of friends at Grey Gardens
Saw a movie (the new Batman film) on a “Rainy Day Matinee”
Caught Cape Croup and had a mild nervous breakdown because of it
Made a dozen or so new friends
Spent all of my money
Drank my weight in Rose Kennedys, Long Island Iced Teas (w/ raspberry vodka), and Smirnoff Lime Rickys
Declared this summer the “Summer of the Hot Ginger”
Was temporarily a part of a roving band of loonies on bikes called the “Gay Marauders”
Witnessed the birth of a beautiful relationship
Developed the wonderful habit of reading the New York Times print edition every day
Lost my phone service and put a curse on T-Mobile
Shopped regularly at the Far Land Provisions – the best little grocery store in the world
Gained a few pounds and lost a few pounds
Climbed Pilgrim Monument
Embraced the marvelous power of gratitude
Danced
Laughed
Exhaled
Came up with a plan

Oh…and I kinda fell in love.

Not a bad summah.

the pot

2008-08-03T16:22:00.002-04:00

I’ve made it a bit of a habit to stop by the Lobster Pot for a late lunch. The true lunch hours are very, very busy, and I like a little nosh before I go about my afternoon adventures. Usually I’ll go to the beach and read, then hit the restaurant for a nice little lunch at the bar at the Top o’ the Pot.

Having done this quite a bit in recent weeks, I’ve developed a little rapport with the staff. They are an amazing bunch, some of whom have worked there for ten or more years. It’s a bit of a cliché to say so, but these ladies are a bunch of gems.

So imagine my mortification when I was told by one of them that I had accidentally underpaid my bill on a previous visit. I went in for my usual lunch (a cup of chowdah, tuna tartare, and a Stella), and the bartender Marie said, “Hey, Eric…you accidentally underpaid your bill the last time you were here, so Cassie covered it for you. You owe her four bucks.”

Well, I was appalled for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the fact that I had also stiffed Marie on her tip (which she graciously omitted from her tale). So I ate, and settled up, and made amends to all parties.

Cut to today. I went upstairs to the bar, and Rima held a seat for me despite the crowd. Cassie was behind the bar, and we shared a laugh about it. She said (in her cool Caribbean accent), “Hey, it’s no big deal. We see you in here all the time, and we knew you’d be good for it. Anyway, you’re one of us, so we were happy to cover it.” Then she bought me a beer.

That’s right. The Ladies of the Lobster Pot consider me to be one of them. I almost wept.

It was the second best thing to happen to me during this insanely wonderful summer.

another schlep

2008-07-30T17:03:00.007-04:00

I suppose that nothing worth having should be very easy to obtain. At least, that's the lesson that I learned when I set out across the breakwater today, in search of another amazing beach.

The tide was JUST about to turn when I began my crossing, so the water was pretty high. It is a long but comfortable walk across the stones to the dunes at the very tip of Cape Cod. The picture below shows that the breakwater - in addition to providing a wonderful place for a picnic - does its job very well:

Love how calm it is on the marsh side, while still an busy, active bay on the other.

But the trip was worth it, because this is what awaits on the other side:

A calm, quiet, peaceful beach. No parties, no tents, no children...just a beautiful ocean that can only be described as glittering like a handful of sapphires.

I set up my little umbrella and towel, and headed for the ocean. After my swim, I planned to sit and read the rest of the novel I'm currently reading (Absolute Brightness, by James Lecesne). Unfortunately, I forgot about the greenheads: vicious, hideous little flies who sting like crazy in an a effort to get at your blood. For the most part they left me alone because I turned my t-shirt into a makeshift flyswatter. However, a few managed to get at me, so I killed a couple:

I left their little corpses on the sand nearby, as an example to other impertinent little greenheads who foolishly wished to partake of my blood.

I'll say this, however: between the schlep and the flies, it was worth it. I finished my book, schlepped back to town and hit the Lobstah Pot for a late luncheon.

Not a bad day, I'd say. Wish you were here (and you know who you are).

two amazing things

2008-07-29T15:40:00.002-04:00

Two amazing things happened to me today:

1. I took the pontoon boat ferry over to Long Point for a couple of hours. It was unspeakably gorgeous out there.

2. My phone finally arrived. It is currently charging, and I could not be happier. Well, I could be happier, but I'm pretty happy about finally having a stinkin' phone.

Showtunes night tonight, y'all! Who wants to go?

the phone

2008-07-25T21:31:00.000-04:00

My cell phone went on the fritz over two weeks ago. July 10, to be exact. Some power surge or something here at Grey Gardens caused it to malfunction, and it would randomly dial and redial various phone numbers, unbeknownst to me. Imagine my surprise when TimO told me that my phone dialed him some 39 times while I was ignorantly dancing the night away at the A House. Sorry, Tim.

Unfortunately, there are no T-Mobile dealers here in Provincetown. Or Truro. Or Wellfleet. BUT the interweb told me that there was a dealer in Orleans, which is exactly where I was headed on July 13 for a family reunion. Perfect. I think, “I can last a coupla days without a phone.”

Here, then, is a list of the Great Kommunications Kaper of Kape Kod:

• Went to Orleans on the 13th only to discover that the Staples there no longer sells T-Mobile phones. The nearest place was the Cape Cod Mall in Hyannis, which wouldn’t fit in the plan.

• Back to PTown on the 14th, and attempted to order one on line. However, the online ordering service refused to ship to me in the Cape, only to my home in Atlanta. Neat.

• Borrow another friend’s phone to call T-Mobile and request replacement. Irritating Customer Service Rep #1 tells me that they won’t replace the phone (which I’ve only had for eight months, by the way) because it’s no longer under factory warranty. Apparently, I bought a lemon.

• Call Samsung to bitch about this, only to be shut down by ICSR#2.

• Call T-Mobile again to find a phone. They tell me that due to the circumstances, they will be happy to offer me a free phone. Huh?

• I go through the ordering process, at the tail end of which ICSR#3 tells me that I have to extend my contract with them for another year in order to get the “free” phone. I am now perturbed.

• I succumb to this idiocy and place the order, specifically requesting that it be shipped to me on the Cape as an express delivery. ICSR#3 says, “No problem!”

• Three days pass. No phone.

• One more call to T-Mobile. ICSR#4 chirpily offers to track the package, which I then learn was shipped to Atlanta via UPS Ground.

• I blow a gasket.

• I phone my tenant in Atlanta and ask him to send the phone to me ASAP on Sunday, July 20. He says, “Sure.”

• Three more days pass. No phone. I miss the OSW and want to call but can’t and it’s really gettin’ on my nerves.

• OSW speaks to tenant in Atlanta and informs me that the item was sent yesterday.

If it arrives tomorrow (which is highly unlikely, as Saturday deliveries are not popular in this neck of the woods), it will be SEVENTEEN days that I’ve gone without my own phone. While this has been liberating on some fronts, it has mostly made me crazy.

So that’s why I haven’t texted y’all back lately. Please forgive me.

money pit

2008-07-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

So. Grey Gardens almost did me in last night.

I woke up yesterday feeling a little puny, and figured that I had contracted some sort of bug. Cape Croup, I think they call it. My other theory was that the toxins in my body from weeks of Tea Dances and Wave Bar and “oh…let’s just have one more” were released into my bloodstream after my massage on Monday, only to make me achy and irritable and unable to sleep. Who knows…

I turned in early last night, shooting a quick blast of NyQuil and hoping for a good night’s sleep. What I got was a thunderstorm of Shakespearean scale: cracking thunder, bolts of lightning, torrential rains – the works. It was neat, but I was trying to sleep, which I was just about to do until the ceiling in my room started leaking onto my bed.

Apparently, the door to the widow’s walk above my room was open, and the tempest had washed water into the attic, causing the leak. There it was, after midnight, I’m sick, and I have no way to stop the leak (since the house in which I’m staying is “bare bones” to say the least). I glanced out the window to the Benchmark Bed and Breakfast across the street, its “Vacancy” sign teasing me in the storm.

But, necessity is the mother of invention. I propped a chair under the doorknob to the offending door, stuffed the cracks with old towels, and spread sheets around the attic floor to absorb the thin layer of water. Amazingly, it did the trick. And today I went to the hardware store for anti-tempest supplies: Gorilla tape and 6 mil black plastic sheeting. I sealed the door with the sheeting and again sealed the cracks with towels. We got another blast today, but my plan seems to have held.

I will NOT be defeated by a cranky old house. I will NOT.

not to rub it in, but...

2008-07-17T15:33:00.004-04:00

Many have asked what I do in Provincetown during the day, since I'm not working while I'm here.

During the times when I don't have guests in the house, here is an example of my typical day:

*Rise with the sun
*Walk to coffee or breakfast
*Return home
*Venture out on the bike for errands or just to scope out some street I've never seen
*Home for lunch
*Mild household duties: laundry, perhaps, or wash a couple of dishes or make my bed
*Beach
*Home to nap
*Shower
*Drinks
*Dinner, either at home or some nifty new place I've never been
*Home to bed

Sigh. Now if only the OSW would just win that lottery so's we could do this ALL SUMMAH!

magic

2008-07-10T08:51:00.003-04:00

I'm finding it difficult to match words to feelings these days. My time here in Provincetown has been rich and full and dense with experiences and sensations. It is as if I have this massive file in my head that I need to unzip before I can look at all the images in an organized way. My blog entries these days will have to serve solely as a repository for such thoughts, lest I forget something.

To that end... a list:

* Saw Varla's new show and laughed my ass off. "Victory Lap Dance." Most memorable quote: "I just don't get circus clowns. I mean, who would want to put on a crazy red wig, slap on some foolish makeup, and pretend to be someone they're not?"

* The Junior League came and went and we sure did have fun. I had particular fun pointing out the fact that their rental home was purposely set up for sex parties. They didn't believe me. I said, "Boys, there is huge room downstairs with nine futons, a wet bar, and an enormous flat screen TV. Do the math." Bless them.

* I've witnessed one "population changeover" in this town. The circuit boys left and a new crop of regular folks arrived. It's pretty cool to be the constant.

* I was invited to a "townie" event and felt like one of the gang.

* My mom and sister have been up to visit and we had a blast.

* The Pirate Cruise in the harbor is just about the cutest thing on the planet. This guy has rigged a motorboat to look like a pirate ship and he cruises around the harbor with children, who spend the time playing pirate. They even "attack" another pirate in another ship with water canons. I'm laying on the beach, minding my own business and all of a sudden I hear a crowd of little voices screaming, "AAAARGH!" Precious.

* The Provincetown Fourth of July Parade was a hoot. It lasted about twenty minutes and included four fire trucks, some veterans, a coupla drag queens, the town selectmen, a few businesses, and TWO - count 'em - TWO Fife and Drum Corps. Who knew there was such a demand for Fife and Drum instruction that there would be two corps?

* The fireworks over the harbor were amazing. The company was better.

* Grey Gardens continues to grow on me. I'll post pictures as soon I figure out how to use my camera.

* Kenny is here and I'm speechless at how much I cherish our friendship.

* Dad's coming up on Saturday and I'm glad to offer him an opportunity to get a way from the business of a family reunion and enjoy the beauties of PTown.

* Today's schedule: bike, beach, whale watch, dance. Just another day in paradise.

Oh, and something else has happened. It's wonderful and fun and nervous and joyful and I'm sorry but I just can't bring myself to put it into words. One day I will be able to do so, but that'll have to wait.

Baby steps...

well, well, well...

2008-07-01T07:54:00.002-04:00

A true adventure has begun.

I've only been here in paradise since Saturday afternoon, but it has been a very busy three days, to say the least. As Glinda said, it's always best to start at the beginning, so let's just take that first step on the Yellow Brick Road, shall we?

First fun discovery of my trip? There's a bus that runs directly from Logan to the World Trade Center dock. $2.00 and ten minutes later, I was enjoying brunch at the Seaport Hotel. Not bad. Second fun discovery? Bay State Cruises will hold your luggage for you while you wait, so you don't have to schlep it if you want to go do a little sight-seeing. Neat.

I got to Boston a few hours before my ferry to Provincetown was to depart, so after brunch I went to the Institute of Contemporary Art/Boston to check out the Anish Kapoor exhibit. What a remarkable, tactile, and provocative experience. I'm not qualified to comment on the works, but they left an impression, to say the least. They were also a little bit on the cruel side, because you want to touch all of them but obviously can't. This was much to the dismay of the hordes of children at the exhibit, but the flip side of that was watching the parents instruct the young ones on proper behavior in an museum: look, but don't touch. There is hope. The museum also has a "mediatechque" that is basically a raked room full of Macs that overlooks the water, where one can sit and learn about art and the museum. Pretty amazing.

The ferry ride itself was quite interesting as well. Now, one of my goals this summer is to open my heart a bit more and to try to be less judgmental, but 200 circuit queens put that to the test pretty quickly. FAR be it from me to stereotype, but the snippets of conversations around me ran the predictable gamut from drugs to the gym to the various "marital arrangements." Gross. And the steroids! My God, I put on muscle just by osmosis; additionally, my testes shriveled a little, I started to become an asshole, and my skin started getting funky. Thankfully, those effects have retreated since getting off the ferry. OOPS! LESS judgmental, Erik, LESS...

A couple that was seated across from me struck up a conversation. They were from L.A., and asked if I was traveling alone. When I said that I was, they both expelled a sympathetic, "Awww!" to which I responded, "Hey..don't pity me. I get to spend six weeks in heaven."

The ferry ride was grey and foggy as far as the eye could see...that is, until we got in view of Pilgrim Monument, at which point the clouds disappeared and the PTown I know and love came into view through the mists. I schlepped my three bags up to my new residence, found the key under the ceramic eagle on the front porch, and entered...

I freaked out for about thirty minutes. I knew that the house needed work and was basically untouched since the 1950's, but one must first see to believe. The only way that I can describe it is to remind you of the scene in "Beetlejuice" when Katherine O'Hara and her interior decorator are walking through the country house for the first time. She looks around the place with apprehension and says things like, "Oh, look...an indoor outhouse" and "It doesn't need much...a blowtorch...a little gasoline..it'll be great!" Another film reference? "Grey Gardens." And no I'm not kidding. My friend and roommate, TimO, has been there for a month and has done quite a job setting the place up with donated items and found objects. I can't imagine what HE thought when he first showed up to the herculean task of making the place liveable.

So I wigged out a bit and then got myself together. I hopped in the car and hit the Grand Union to purchase heavy-duty cleaning items and some kitchen basics. Upon returning to the house, I pulled on my rubber gloves and went in. I cleaned my bathroom, unpacked all of my belongings, set up my bedroom, and did a little organizing. The moment I put a little effort into it, it immediately began to feel a little more like home.

It may not have air conditioning or cable/internet. I may be dirty and dusty and a bit creepy. It might not have a very useful kitchen, and I might have to crouch down to use the toilet in my "horror under the eaves" bathroom.

But...

Many of the rooms have a view of the water. And It's large enough so that TimO and I never really know if the other one is there. And my room has toile wallpaper with King Neptune drawn all over it, is blue, and has blue gingham curtains on all SIX of its windows. And the breeze that blows through my bedroom feels like heaven. And there is a panoramic view of the whole town and bay from the widow's walk.

I went to to the breakwater yesterday to talk to God, and was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for the insane blessings in my life. Not to get too weepy on you, but I can't believe that I'm here. Nor can I believe that I get to be here for five more weeks.

Other things have happened: I've been to the Boatslip and A House. I might have been walked home from the A House by a handsome redhead who coaxed me onto the foggy beach for a smooch. I've seen the Atlanta crowd and had a lot of laughs already. And I got a Townie Pass.

But the best thing that's happened so far has been the great psychic exhalation. I'm calm, happy, and thrilled to call this place home for a while. This place that I love so much.

2008-06-27T21:37:00.001-04:00

Bags? Packed.
House? Cleaned.
Cab? Called.
Work? Done.

I'm outta here. See you on the Cape.

i'm trying

2008-06-25T07:48:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to not use the word "hate" anymore, so I won't say that I "hate" the Boot Camps that take over Piedmont Park in the mornings. Let's just say, that I "strongly dislike" them.

Another reason to "strongly dislike" the boot camps is that they take over the local coffee shop en masse and hold up everything. Crowds of them, all at the same time. Thankfully, the sensible barista sensed my frustration at being trapped behind them, and ushered me to another register.

Other than that, the park was stunning this morning. I almost didn't make it, but the wiser of my two brains won out.

Two more days...two more days....

things to do in provincetown this summah

2008-06-24T18:38:00.005-04:00

* Climb Pilgrim Monument
* Drive a car only for my initial stocking of the kitchen
* Visit the family in Orleans
* Meet Varla/Jeffery and become an acquaintance
* Join the library
* Read 6 books…or more
* Go to the beach at least three times a week
* Write about everything
* Take a Historic Provincetown Walking Tour
* See at least one live performance per week… at LEAST
* Take a long bike ride Every. Single. Day.
* Set and photograph a prettier dinner table than ANY of genex's - from the available hodge podge of found materials in my house
* Go on an art crawl
* Go on a dunes tour
* Go on a whale watch
* Oh, and maybe hit the Boatslip and A House a coupla times

Have I left anything off the list?

the funniest thing on the internet

2008-06-17T18:14:00.004-04:00

It should be no surprise to anyone that the Funniest Thing on the Internet comes to us from The Onion. I swear they hire REAL newscasters to do their fake news.

This clip (SFW) is so chock full of hilarious genius that I do think my head will explode. Watch it over and over and over to see the amazing layers (get it?...the Onion?...layers?...heh heh heh) of brilliance in this humor. I believe it to be a spoof of this real-life event.

High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

I mean, hilarious.

another favorite

2008-06-13T13:07:00.002-04:00

This will stop when I get back to work next week, I promise.

"Chewing gum helps me think."

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum."

two days off and i'm already bored

2008-06-11T17:19:00.003-04:00

Since I've already been out to exercise and the laundry is all done and the bed is made and I'm sitting at home trying to avoid spending money OR using valuable gas in this heat, I've been playing on youtube.

Below is a clip from one of my all-time favorite films, "Postcards from the Edge." The best part is the first three minutes...

"...of course in those days, the material was a lot better."

oh, i feel so much better

2008-06-11T00:37:00.004-04:00

Yes, I spoke with Little John today, and he made me feel better about a lot of things.

And I spoke with the OSW, who was feeling just a cranky as I was. So I felt better by commiseration.

But nothing made me feel just GREAT about things more than this article in today's AJC.

And the capitalized "great" is doused in sarcasm.

SFW, I swear.

broken record

2008-06-09T15:44:00.003-04:00

I hate to grouse about the heat in Our Fair City, but...

Jesus Christ on a cracker: it is fucking hot.

Since Friday it has been nothing but blinding, searing heat with absolutely no relief. 80 degrees in the dead of night. No breeze. No rain. Nada. Honestly, I'm not even inclined to leave the house.

On Saturday, I had to walk over to the President and First Lady's house to retrieve my vehicle and I thought I'd have a heart attack. On the way over there I passed by the Park Tavern, a restaurant that rests on the corner of Piedmont Park and is popular for its outdoor space. What did I see going on there? A wedding. A FUCKING WEDDING. There had to be at least two hundred chairs set up OUTSIDE, awaiting the hundreds of people who would come in suits and dresses to sit there. I'd hate to be that bride: it would be tough to maintain one's composure in the hateful glare of two hundred people, all of whom were simultaneously thinking, "Fuck you, bitch, for making me come to your stupid ass outdoor formal wedding in June. Bitch." When will they learn to have their outdoor weddings in April or May in Atlanta - you know, when the weather is picture perfect and the flowers are in bloom?

Oh, and while I'm just feeling a little bitchy, lemme add another little komment about the heat. This gay obsession with avoiding sweat is wearing me out. I swear, if one more person makes a komment about the fact that I've broken a sweat while standing outdoors in 95 degree heat, I will go apeshit on them. "Hey, ever hear of anti-perspirant? Heh heh heh..." Anti-perspirant? I hadn't heard of that! Oh my god...where can I get some?

Other events this weekend included a lot of QT with the OSW. And a lot of drinks. And some good food. No sex (not that I'd tell you about that if I did). To be perfectly honest, I can't even think of sex in this heat.

I think I'll go to Provincetown. Yeah...that's it. I gotta get outta here for a while.

this can't possibly be real

2008-06-05T22:09:00.002-04:00

Gawker.com recently make an appropriately snarky comment about this site.

It's SFW. And I cannot believe that these things are real. Seriously.

I posted one that I thought was pretty preposterous. We'll see if it makes the cut.

just in case anyone was wondering....

2008-05-29T22:28:00.001-04:00

...I just haven't felt like blogging in a while.

And I'm ok with that.

a lazy list (thanks, john)

2008-05-20T21:08:00.003-04:00

* Had a wonderful, family-based weekend. Whoda thunk that I'd have so much fun at a baseball game?

* I could bore you with tales of fabulous walks around town, fun nights with friends, great dinners, and lotsa laughs...but that would be boring.

* Spent some quality time with the Junior League and the Varsity Co-Captain. I suppose I'll have to wait another six months for a repeat.

* I learned that I do miss East Atlanta...until I spent the weekend without driving because I've moved to Midtown. Honestly: I parked on Friday after work and did not drive again until Monday morning. Wonderful.

* There were storms and tornadoes in the area tonight. Thankfully, all I saw was a brief downpour, lots of wind, and the MOST stunning, "Gone with the Wind"-looking sunset I've ever seen. No real damage of which to speak, but I'm sure the media will plague us with overblown stories of misfortune. You know, a tree down or a little hail damage to a Camaro or something.

* There will be drama at work tomorrow, and not the kind that I'm paid to create.

* Not to sound like a broken record, but....PTown, PTown, PTown....I gotta get outta here for a while...

news flash

2008-05-13T22:46:00.002-04:00

If you spend three or four weeks eating very well (with a healthy attitude and good food choices), you WILL feel sick if you slide for a single day into old, bad habits.

Just letting you know.

It's amazing, actually. I had no idea how much my diet affected my mood until this month, but man...I felt so weird today because of the junk I ate yesterday. Lesson learned.

In other news...well I have no other news.

(log off)

2008-05-11T16:44:00.001-04:00

Unfortunately, I was not making whoopee last night. Instead, I watched SNL and fell in love with this clip.

well, hello....

2008-05-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

Gorgeous weather continues. Great eating continues. Good times in Atlanta this spring continue. More more MORE....!

I mean, I worked a lot last weekend and still managed to say hay to the gang. And spend some great time with my family. And have a fabulous dinner with the OSW at La Tavola. This spring is going down as one of my favorites, to be honest.

Maybe it's the endorphin rush. That's right...you heard me...endorphins. I actually went to the gym today - and lifted weights. Now, mind you, I did the sissiest, pussy-boy workout you could imagine. But if you're gonna renovate you gotta take it down to the studs, ifyaknowwhatimean. Needless to say, I feel terrific. And the OSW even offered to send an ambulance to retrieve me tomorrow morning when I can't get out of bed...

And on the food front, I had an extraordinary meal today at this place. Miss Daisy and I were out running errands for work, and dropped in for a remarkable vegetarian meal: I'm renovating my body, and she's doing Weight Watchers. The place didn't disappoint. I had a Sunflower Box: a bento box full of the perfect amount of the most delightful vegetarian treats.

I predict a fabulous weekend. I hope to get to the Piedmont Park Farmer's Market on Saturday, among other things. My workload drops considerably after Sunday morning, at which point I hope to find an adult beverage or two. Then, Operation PTown is in full swing. After my upcoming birthday, that is.

Hint hint.

hurry up

2008-05-02T07:16:00.002-04:00

I probably sound like a broken record to my friends, but I can practically taste the chowdah at the Lobster Pot already. I learned last weekend that my trip to P'town has taken yet another certain step forward (my friends finally closed on the house in which I will reside), and plans come further into focus. My work year wraps up in the next few weeks, and the weather here in Our Fair City greatly resembles that of the Cape. I'm drooling as I write.

As for the week that has passed, well...it's been good. My sister hosted an extraordinary event on Saturday: every year, she and her friends do a "Cook for the Cure" to raise money for breast cancer research. Having attended few of these events before, I girded myself to be MODERATE in my consumption of salt, fat, and starch and managed to come out ok ("I will not spend six weeks in P'Town in a muumuu!). This year's theme was "Gourmet Takes on Classic Southern Comfort Food." I managed to eat only one FRIED MACARONI AND CHEESE BALL!

Other than that, I worked a lot, managed to get in a little play time, and basically just reveled in this extraordinary season. I feel better than I have in long time, and I look forward to maintaining this feeling in the coming weeks.

See ya.

must be talkin' to an angel

2008-04-24T21:34:00.003-04:00

So. I had a long, tiring day at work today. And the weather has taken a weird turn towards the still: no wind, and a vague, grey cloudy haze in the sky. The kind of day where I might just go home, eat, and call it a night.

But...

I won't be able to get any exercise tomorrow due to my schedule. And I've been enjoying my general sense of well-being lately.

So I got home, picked up my iPod, and got right out into the park for a long, long walk. I walked down to get my dry-cleaning, and then came home and ate an extremely sensible dinner. I've already declined one offer to go out on the town tonight, and wonder if some folks will call later after their event .

Just when I was about to MAYBE consider walking around the corner or opening myself up to the POSSIBILITY of meeting up with the gang should they call, I got a different kind of call. Like an angel from heaven, Little John just called me from NYC to remind me of our mutual goal: to look great for PTown. A goal that will not be met by boozing during the week. Sometimes I forget how much I miss him.

Now, I'm on my second glass of organic red wine, but that has nutritional value, right?

list

2008-04-23T20:33:00.003-04:00

* I had a sex dream last night. First one since....?
* The gorgeous weather continues...thank god
* Didn't so much care for the Andrew Lloyd Weber night on Idol...
* Despite my oh-so-slight fatigue today, I managed a good hour's walk in the park
* I have a busy weekend ahead...it's all good
* I will NOT be attending the Inman Park Festival, as such events drive me nuts
* I still love my job
* I still can't wait for summer break
* I'm watching "The Witches of Eastwick" right now, and have the strangest urge to have martinis with the girls...

simple joys have a simple voice...

2008-04-21T20:40:00.003-04:00

...that says, "why not go ahead?"

Okey doke. This might seem very 'well, well, well-ish' of me, but here's a recap (more for my own memory than your entertainment...sorry).

On Friday night, the DJ and I decided to have a smart cocktail in the neighborhood. The weather was Picture Perfect, and the pull was too great to resist. So we both walked (yes, walked...it was fabulous) to Steel, the new Asian-Fusion-Steakhouse-Trendy Bar/Restaurant/Lounge in the Plaza Midtown. I hate to sound jaded, but you seen one Asian-Fusion-Steakhouse-Trendy Bar/Restaurant/Lounge in a glass condo in Atlanta - you seen 'em all. I mean, it's NICE and everything, but I'm waiting for the next thing in restaurants to take us away from the slick, concrete-and-glass, water treatment-ish type of thing that prevails in town. But the company was extraordinary, and we had an enjoyable time. Even when we went to Gilbert's, which seems to have gone the way of Burkhart's on Fridays. I mean, braided belts and acid-washed denim shorts really don't belong anymore. Just sayin'. Neither does anything from the International Male catalog, no matter how recent the issue. Ok, I'll cut the catty.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I didn't have to work on Saturday, so I slept in a bit. It was glorious. I had a couple of errands to run on Saturday, all of which were within walking distance (again!) of my home. So I put on my iPod and set about running two errands.

FOUR HOURS LATER I returned home because I simply could not resist the temptation to walk and walk and walk and walk around my neighborhood. The weather was too perfect, and we are just at the apex of the gorgeous Atlanta spring. Knowing that this was probably my last opportunity this year to see the dogwoods in full bloom, I strolled around Midtown with great music underscoring the stunning day. Walked up the streets and checked out some houses. Turned into the park and explored every corner. I haven't felt that inclined to spend time outdoors in a long time, and it felt wonderful.

Home for few domestic tasks, then off to the OSW's for a rather amazing dinner. The best part about not being a cook m'self is that it usually results in dinner invitations to the OSW's house. The company was even better than the food. Anyhoo, we walked up Fifth Skreet to an engagement party which was lovely, but I'd like to encourage all heterosexuals to find a new theme for their kasual get-togethers. Tex-mex is a little played out. Just sayin'. Ok, I'll cut the catty. After that, we hit the W Hotel, which was not unlike the aforementioned restaurant. I mean, there must be a new aesthetic just around the corner. The just MUST be!

On Sunday, I slept in a bit again, then went to work (as much as it killed me to do so - the weather was perfect once again). After that, a classic Family Roundup at the Ponderosa in honor of my father's sixtieth birthday. Sixty. Amazing. There were no "old jokes" and krap like that...just all of us eating good food, laughing, and talking about the future. Good times.

And in the Toot My Own Horn department, I managed to avoid all wicked temptation to eat badly. Sure, I may have consumed a certain quantity of empty calories thanks to a few gin-and-tonics, but I didn't consume one chicken biscuit, cheeseburger, or quesadilla to make things better.

So. I stayed on track, had some fun, walked a lot, had dinner with the OSW, had great family time, and enjoyed so much of what Our Fair City has to offer. A pretty great weekend, if ya ask me.

i heart kristin wiig

2008-04-19T15:30:00.002-04:00

This is perhaps one of the FUNNIEST things to have been on SNL in recent memory. These kinds of jokes never, EVER get old....

just so's you know i'm serious

2008-04-17T20:42:00.003-04:00

It's 70 degrees and GORGEOUS outside right now. The humidity is low low low. The pollen isn't killing me. I'm sure that all the boys will be out tonight, hammin' it up at the new W Hotel lounge. It will probably be really fun.

But I'm stayin' home.

You see, if I go out, I'll drink. "Can't you just have one?" you might ask. One drink? What's that?

And if I do that, I'll be dining on chicken biscuits and cheeseburgers and quesadillas for the next two days to cure the hangover.

I'm living these days by the following mantra:

"I will not spend six weeks in P'Town in a muumuu!"

I will not.

it's official...

2008-04-15T21:00:00.003-04:00

...I'll be spending six weeks in this paradise this summer. Six weeks. My heart flutters just thinking about it.

I owe this extraordinary opportunity to the kindness of two of the loveliest people on the planet. And, after much taunting from Old Southern Women who didn't think I had the balls to go through with it, I finally threw cash into the wind last night and booked my flight.

Not that I needed to be asked twice. I mean, how often does someone offer YOU a place to stay in your vacation destination of choice for little more than the cost of stocking the bar when they come up to visit? No, I didn't need to be asked twice...but I did have to think for a second. Six weeks away from home is a long time...

But then I recalled the LAST time I spent six weeks away from home. The last time I threw cash into the wind, put everything in Atlanta on hold, and went away on a bit of an adventure. This resulted, and it was the best time of my life, as was the trip to Provincetown that followed.

No, I don't expect a repeat of that magical summer. Such wondrous times occur as the result of a gorgeous and random combination of people, places, and things. But when the universe presents you with such gracious gifts, it would be criminal not to accept them.

I plan to read a lot, write a lot, not watch any television, ride my bike everywhere, see friends, make friends, and get some stuff together.

Neat.

sniff

2008-04-08T21:07:00.002-04:00

Lawrt. I don't know if it's my general fatigue from work or the pollen, but I'm dragging.

I'm tempted to blame the pollen. The count in Our Fair City is already in the thousands, and won't let up for a few weeks. Just another reason we need more rain. I mean, the air is THICK with the shit. I swear it feels like walking through jell-o. People from other cities don't believe me when I speak of pollen clouds bursting forth from trees in the wind. Or rivers of yellow in the occasional rain. And everything feels gritty and grainy.

On the lighter side, however, I enjoyed much success this weekend at work. Additionally, my plans for the summer are solidifying, and I couldn't be happier.

Despite the yellow plague (and I ain't talkin' 'bout hepatitis), this is going to be a marvelous spring, kids....

plumbing new depths

2008-04-04T00:27:00.002-04:00

You know what? We all know that there are terrible and awful things to see on the interweb. Any depravity of the human experience can be conjured with a keystroke. I've seen some pretty crass things, but this takes the cake.

Don't worry - it's totally SFW.

Yes, it may seem benign, but I read it and finally understand why the terrorists really hate us.

Thanks to Little John for the link.

Good. Lord.

well, hello!

2008-04-02T07:43:00.003-04:00

My goodness!

I don't know what's going on, but I feel terrific these days.

I typically have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of bed in the morning; but lately I've been up with the birds, fit as a fiddle and ready for love.

Maybe it's the gorgeous springtime that's blooming outside my door. Maybe it's the impending happy events at work. Maybe it's the fact that I am beginning to make some amazing plans for summer. Who knows?

I'll take it.

my teaching methods are fairly unique

2008-03-27T23:10:00.002-04:00

So very many of you have contacted me lately, wondering if the character below is perhaps based upon me:

No. It is not.

judy bernley....please hold...

2008-03-27T00:00:00.002-04:00

Been a bit busy these days. Like these girls, but without the marijuana or sexist-egotistical-lying-hypocritical-bigot of a boss.

But real, real busy. Talk soon.

self hater

2008-03-20T12:08:00.002-04:00

I know that I will incur the wrath of certain people, but I have a confession to make.

You see, I have the day off (it's Maundy Thursday) so I slept in a bit and woke up hungry. Since I live in a neighborhood that's supposed to be "walkable," I thought I'd walk out and get some breakfast. When I'm not working, I like to park my car and not move it again until I absolutely have to do so. Sadly, there was only one place to go.

The Fucking Flying Biscuit.

I know, I know, I KNOW! Stop hating! Believe me, i've already beat myself up over it. I really thought long and hard about it, and eventually decided that I didn't want to drive across town to West Egg, even though it's a superior breakfast place. And there's nothing else around here. I thought, "It's just eggs and grits...how bad can it be?"

Well, it was bad. And I hate myself for falling into that infernal place's trap. Please forgive me.

In other food-related news, I've settled on a menu for Sunday's Eastah brunch with my family. And in honor of today, the first day of spring, I plan to throw open the windows and clean EVERYTHING.

sheesh

2008-03-13T22:22:00.003-04:00

This is some weird news, from the AJC....

I mean, it's not weirder than a lady sitting on the toilet for two years, but it's still a bit odd.

annuale

2008-03-09T18:00:00.001-04:00

No one...and I mean NO ONE...makes fun of women like a woman can. My Goddess this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

hay

2008-03-05T21:45:00.005-05:00

Had a great time in Los Angeles. Previously, I have always said that I hate LA. Now, I can honestly say that I like it, and was able to find inspiration there.

A brief rundown (more for my own memory than your entertainment...sorry):

Celeb sightings: RuPaul (sans drag), Rami from Project Runway, Vince Vaughn, and Paula Poundstone. In fact I sat next to Paula on the whole flight from Atlanta to LA, and somehow managed to avoid speaking with her. She had this distinct look that said, "Please leave me alone." Not crazy, not uppity, just a celebrity who didn't want to spend four hours talking to a stranger. I was happy to oblige. I was a non-celebrity who just wanted to read. Oh, and we drove by Cher's compound in Malibu. Didn't see her, though. Like she'd just HAPPEN to be taking out the trash or something...

Bar Review: Loved Akbar and MJ's. While at Akbar, Kenny and I were approached by TWO different groups of people, just to chat and say hay. You wouldn't believe how rare that is, so I was enchanted.

You know what? West Hollywood? Feh. We spent precious little time there, and - truth be told - that's fine with me. I mean, I'm sure that I could have a great time there, but I think we were all happier in other venues. Not that I'm the most "alternative" person in the world, but everyone looked like plastic molds of one another, and I just need a little difference in flavor...

Best lounge experience by far? The Dresden Room. It defies description. I'll try someday, but suffice it to say that Norma has found the next venue for her act. Maybe PTB can come do a little backup retardation....

We saw a terrible movie (Be Kind..Rewind) in an amazing movie theater (the Arclight). When you buy tickets online for any show at this theater, they note that when they say the movie begins at 8:15, it will begin shortly thereafter. They do not show advertisements, and the previews are brief. Additionally, they CLOSE the doors at the start of the movie. If you haven't made it in by then, well...tough titty. Awesome.

We went to the Getty Villa, to view the newly-restored building and the antiquities collection that is housed within its walls. It was absolutely wonderful. Kenny and I drifted around the stunningly-restored villa, and marveled at the breathtaking art and gardens. And it's FREE!

But, as always, the best trips are about the company. It felt great to visit with old friends and see their lives. And it was great to return home to new(er) friends. Mission accomplished: a change of scenery restored my outlook, and I feel ready to sally forth.

I'm not even very angry about the work crew that began working on my roof this morning - AT SEVEN A.M. Well, maybe just a little angry.

xl

2008-02-26T19:04:00.002-05:00

There are few things that I would like to describe with the letters "XL." The shirts and pants I purchased today ARE NOT AMONG THEM!

So. Since I went shopping today (in preparation for a little vacation I'm taking to Los Angeles on Friday) I have been to the gym and then to My Whole Foods, to purchase good stuff to replace the krap that has accumulated in my fridge.

I regret spending such money on clothing that I hope to not fit into within a few months, but I had to do something. Just a few shirts n' stuff to get me through the spring. No sense in looking AND feeling like shit.

Whew. I feel better already.

2008-02-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week at work. Some might call it "torturous." I don't mean to exaggerate, but LAWRT...I've put in some HOURS this week. The worst of it was that after very busy day, I had to endure a two-hour "improv comedy show." Two hours trapped in hell....

And I have to work tomorrow, too. So I'm stayin' in, bein' a kleen teen, and trying to avoid a repeat of last weekend's shame spiral. Oddly, I'm ok with that. Some might call that "growth."

I'm also ok with the two days of rain that we've had here in Our Fair City. Typically, I develop a weird moodiness when I don't see the sun for over 48 hours, but I'm well aware of how much we need the rain. Maybe we'll even get some pretty dogwoods this spring...

So. On tap for the weekend (a phrase I hate but will use in solidarity with all of my other blogging friends)? Work, a film, an OSW dinner, and more work. No Oscar parties, though...they're just fuckin' obnoxious.

you know...i cried when i had no shoes...

2008-02-20T22:30:00.002-05:00

...until I met a man who had no feet...

...and then I laughed...rrreally hard.

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok....MESSAGE RECEIVED!

I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of being tired.

My mom sent me some real, real cute photos that were taken recently. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I've since put down the ice cream, I'm layin' off the sauce, and I might just go to the gym tomorrow.

Great God almighty! Was I waiting for tonight's lunar eclipse to alter my consciousness to the point that I just finally fuckin' get up and do something about how weird I've been feeling lately? Jeez Louise!

Now, were I an armchair psychotherapist, I might review my posts on this forum and self-diagnose myself as a something called a "manic depressive." God, I hope that's not the case.

I prefer to just chalk it up to poor diet. Yeah...that's it. Crappy food.

I'm baaaaack...

2008-02-14T22:22:00.005-05:00

Ok.

It's no secret that I really don't like Valentime's Day.

I won't go into the reasons...it's nothing personal...well, maybe a little personal. But I won't bore you with the details of WHY I hate Valentime's Day.

I'll just tell you about my day.

Woke up early this morning, constipated from the rich food at Cuerno last night. Neat. I went through my day, watching dozens and dozens of shitty, ugly, horrible flower arrangements float by as they were placed on top of desks at my place of employment. Some were adorned with teddy bears n' balloons - klassy. Lots of people wished me a Happy Valentime's Day, to which I responded, "Humbug." Fielded many inane questions about whether or not I had a Special Someone, and had to apply much antiseptic to the searing gash in my back, as the knife twisted with each inquiry.

Throughout the day, I wished to call many friends, but didn't, as most of them are in relationships and I just didn't feel like talking about all of that. Suffered the assurances of many people that I would find someone someday. Neat.

After a long and depressing day at work (for reason's beyond the whole Valentime's Thing), I ventured to Your Ansley Mall Kroger, and sat in the parking lot for a moment before entering. It was 9:30 PM, and hand to God: there were RIVERS of men pouring out of that place with shitty floral arrangements and balloons and krap, surely on their way home to ridiculous, hideous, demanding women who dreamed of Helzberg diamonds but instead will get some shitty bouquet with a teddy bear stuffed into it, probably embroidered with the phrase "I wuv you BEARY MUCH!" Serves 'em all right.

Once inside the Kroger, I selected my goods and breezed past the Valentime's aisle - at the suggestion of the night manager, whose voice on the loudspeaker advised me that there were still "great deals to be had!" The aisle looked like the Seasonal Items aisle at your local Kroger - in Baghdad or Darfur. Tatters. Shreds. Chocolates everywhere. Discarded rose petals. Gross.

I drove home, and the OSW called to complain about choking on some nuts. Don't ask.

I quickly mixed myself a cocktail, and can honestly say that it's the only stiff thing I'm getting this Valentime's Day. Somehow, I'm ok with that.

fun new activity!

2008-02-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

Find That Hideous Grammatical Error in the Atlanta Journal Constitution!

Today's AJC - the paper of record for Our Fair City - has a coupla real lulu's this week.

BEHOLD! In an article about Cynthia McKinney's failed attempt to seal the Green Party presidential nomination in California, we find the following bit. McKinney used to be a congresswoman from Georgia, but nobody here likes her anymore, so she moved to California. Here's a portion of the AJC's report:

"McKinney won Green Party primaries in Arkansas and Illinois and is in slightly trailing Nader in Massachusetts, according to the Green Party. The party reported there were voting irregularities Illinois, where some voters reported there were no Green Party ballots at some locations."

Huh? Who's editing the AJC? A corpse?

ahhhh...the ajc

2008-01-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

Not that the "Celebrity Birthdays" section of the AJC's entertainment column qualifies as "reporting," but I find the following error to be quite funny. Funny and sad, because I bet I could find at least a dozen similar errors in Our Fair City's "newspaper."

Read carefully...

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

Actor Ernest Borgnine is 91. Singer Neil Diamond is 67. Actress Matthew Lillard (“Scooby Doo,” “She’s All That”) is 38. Actor Ed Helms (“The Office”) is 34. Actress Mischa Barton (above) (“The O.C.”) is 22.

Did Matthew Lillard have a little surgery?

vote libertarian!

2008-01-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

Perhaps one of the best "Betty Butterfield's" EVER!

I suspect that her Vietvenese pharmacist has upped her dosage of Zoloft. She's in real, real high spirits these days, y'all.

Or maybe she's finally been Saved...

truth be told

2008-01-21T00:53:00.000-05:00

An actual conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: Norma, how are you doing this weekend?

Norma: Well, to be honest...I'm a little troubled.

OSW: Aww, honey, what's wrong?

Norma: Well, there's something that's been bothering me. I mean, all weekend, the local media has been trying to convince us that we should avoid the "black guys" on the streets. Honestly! This is MLK weekend! Dr. Martin Luther the King would WANT us to come together and break down those barriers... but NOOOOOO! The local TV news and print media are telling us to avoid the "black guys on the roads" at all costs!

OSW: Norma, I think they said "black ice." You know...ice on the streets that you can't see?

(pause)

Norma: You mean, they weren't talking about the black men on the corner?

OSW: No, Norma...they weren't.

Norma: What?!?

stormtracker 2008 upd8

2008-01-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

The First Baptist Church of Cumming is closed tomorrow.

coming to you live from the stormcenter...

2008-01-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

...wherever that is...

I'm pleased to report that there is still plenty of milk, eggs, and bread at the Ansley Mall Kroger. The situation is under control, and we will be working around the clock to make sure that you have all the information about bread, milk, and eggs that we can possibly give you in the first eleven minutes of our news broadcast.

Oh. And Paul Ossman is a big fat pig.

2008-01-15T20:49:00.000-05:00

Whew.

So. Everyone close to me who has had some health stuff going on (necessitating the "preparations" cited below) has come through with flying colors. Sex can be had, lives have been prolonged, and procreation can occur. Neat.

Although, the notion of something as large as a pineapple growing inside me (unwanted and unplanned, to boot) is just a little disturbing.

Life is a banquet, y'all. Please keep reminding me of that.

kids....!

2008-01-14T22:53:00.000-05:00

...you know I love 'em!"

Beetlejuice is another of my favorite films, for many reasons:

* Alec Baldwin was still hot hot hot hot hot HOT HOOOOTT!

* Some of the most underrated one-liners in film. To wit...the ghosts' caseworker, Juno (played by the inimitable Sylvia Sydney) wonders why the ghosts are so unhappy in their home, which has been remodeled by new owners since their deaths. "Things seem pretty quiet around here," she rasps. "You should thank God you didn't die in Italy." Genius.

* A hysterical score by Danny Elfman

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the post-modern, Art In America representation of a country home.

* What? A clever plot, subtle dialogue, great design, fabulous music, and just enough "quirk" to make it different? WHAT'S THAT?

* Oh...two words: Catherine. O'Hara.

that's my baby

2008-01-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

In honor of those in my life who are dear to me...who have recently had to endure a "preparation..."

Mama Klump: I think I do remember hearing somethin' on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an apperntment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

brand new day

2008-01-10T17:26:00.000-05:00

Despite the dreary weather, I feel absolutely terrific today. Not 100%, but a helluva lot better than I did yesterday.

The clip above is one of my favorites ever: "Brand New Day" from the wonderful/awful movie version of "The Wiz." I love a lot of things about the clip:

* Michael Jackson was wonderful before he really freaked out

* Diana Ross can't dance for shit (check out her pit stains when she flails her arms about)

* LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene when the Winkies transform by shedding their skin and turning into beautiful, Nubian, Alvin Ailey dancers in loincloths

It's a long clip, but it best sums up my state of mind today. Bear with me...

how can i be sure you're not pretender

2008-01-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

So. I'm home sick with viral plague today, and lotsa neat things have happened:

* I looked into the corner of my living room and saw what I thought was a dried leaf from a poinsettia, long since discarded. It was, in fact, a little green lizard. I screamed like a girl and flung it off the porch with a broom.

* I went to the grocery to get more orange juice and chicken soup. Let this be a reminder to all of you: NEVER go to the grocery on a Wednesday. It's Senior Citizens Day, and you will never escape in a reasonable amount of time.

* I had a great time watching the flatbed lumber delivery truck try to do a U-turn on my dead end street.

* I have plumbed the depths of the interweb, and have found very, very little of interest.

* There have been almost non-stop sirens and helicopters in my area for the last few minutes. I suspect that the sewer construction crew hit some kind of main. Great...brown water again...

* But, the BEST thing that happened was an email from Mrs. Steve, containing the totally SFW morsel below:

Thanks, Mrs. Steve. Bock bock.

i sense a disturbance in the force

2008-01-08T18:43:00.000-05:00

That's what I'm blaming my current state of malaise upon - a disturbance in the force.

I'm sick with viral plague or something. Shakes, shivers, ravenous appetite n' other stuff has kept me down for a little while. On Friday night I was fine. Saturday? Miserable. On Sunday and Monday I was OK. Last night and today? Miserable. But I'm feeling better again, so hopefully my potion of vitamin C, gallons of water, Mucinex, and Tylenol (with a night time NyQuil chaser) is doing the trick.

In other news...

* It is currently 65 degrees in Our Fair City - IN JANUARY! Yes, we live in the south, and yes it's typically warmer here. But all of this warm weather really fucks with my internal clock, and I don't like it one bit.

* My sleep patterns are wacky.

* I have a blockage when it comes to maintaining my home. I just don't care about it, and I need to care about it.

* The street outside my condo looks as if it is wet - and it hasn't rained in days!

* I have family coming to town this weekend, and my mother has issued an extremely passive-aggressive Drop Everything You Are Doing edict. Even at my age, I still can't say no.

I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" right now...so...

That's all.

2008-01-04T17:50:00.000-05:00

Sid: You are a star because you are great and you are a great star, but in the past few years you are better known as an adulteress and a drunk. And I say this with all due respect!

Helen Sinclair: Please, I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve.

Sid: You're talking Chinese New Year.

Helen Sinclair: Naturally. Still, that's two days! Do you know how long that is for me?

I think I post the above quote at about this time every year. Still, I embrace this cleanliness with an open heart. It don't take a psychic to predict my inevitable side-step off the wagon. But I do feel good, and think that I might be able to handle this odd, odd thing called "moderation." Until tonight's dinner party at the OSW's...hmmmm...

OMG -and hooray for Obama!!!!

all right, all right... FINE

2008-01-02T17:49:00.001-05:00

I'll update.

Truth be told, I'm real, real glad that these holidays are over. I ate, drank, and spent too much, and I'm happy that the cold has finally arrived so that I can hibernate in every way possible.

Not that my holidays weren't wonderful. My family time was charming, as always: a perfect holiday dinner at Trois, and then a couple of days of civilized Christmas cheer at home. Our place is a sort of "Island of Misfit Toys" at the holidays, and anyone who is in need of company, a fire, a drink, and a meal are welcome. I got some gifts, gave some gifts, and really did appreciate everything.

I spent a lot of time with friends this holiday. The OSW was off work for almost as long as I was, so we had our fair share of quality time. There were tons of parties - including one thrown by the OSW and yours truly - and it seemed that everyone was out and about every night. I will confess that I may have "celebrated" a bit too much, but 'twas the season, I suppose. I'm writing this now in hopes that at this time next year, I'll re-read it and stay in and resist temptation a little more. Oh, and I went on one of the WORST dates of my entire career, which didn't do much for my sense that the dating scene in Atlanta is anything but hopeless.

As for New Year's Eve, it may come as a surprise to some of you to learn that I stayed in on December 31st. I had some pretty wonderful options, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like a fifth wheel at each of them, so I decided to stay at home. Also, I felt like I was really working up the energy to go out, and when you have to work at it that hard, it's probably a good idea to stay home. On New Year's Day, I learned that I didn't miss much at either event, that both were fun, but fairly predictable experiences, so I'm glad I stayed in for the evening.

So. What does one do when home alone on New Year's Eve? Well, I ordered Chinese food, had a cocktail, and thought long and hard about what it is that I want.

It is with a touch of melancholy that I start 2008, but I think I know what to do about it. I won't bore you with my list of totally predictable resolutions. Suffice it to say that I learned a lot in 2007, and will use the coming year to put it into useful practice.

Peace to all of you.

what the fuck is "pudge?"

2007-12-20T18:50:00.000-05:00

Want some PUDGE?

I hate - with the fire of a thousand suns kinda hate - the Flying Biscuit.

HATE.

It's on the corner near my house, and the stench of pudge and bad biscuits just hovers over my neighborhood.

I had to walk by it in order to get to a bookstore, where I planned to purchase a gift. The stink of that shitty food surrounded me, and I threw up in my mouth just a little bit.

I looked inside the windows of that stupid place, at its stupid, "quirky," mismatched, sorta "shabby chic" interior. There was a smattering of people in there, for dinner, and they all looked miserable. Miserable. As if they suddenly found themselves in that stinkin' place, instead of the real restaurant where they'd intended to go.

The servers are surly, the food mediocre, and you can't even get a stupid drink in that place. Beer and wine only. Neat.A night trapped in hell.

Just thought I'd get that out.

ok, ok, i get it, i GET it...

2007-12-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

As I sit here watching the finale of "The Biggest Loser," I'm prompted to offer up this, a fictional phone conversation between a "mother" and a "daughter."

(phone rings)

Daughter: Hello?

Mother: How you doin', honey?

Daughter: Oh, hey, Mom... I'm fine. A little down in the dumps, but fine. I'm just feeling a little funky about some stuff these days and...

Mother (interrupting): Aw, honey, you'll be fine! Now. How's your exercise regimen comin' along?

Daughter: Well, I haven't really been inspired to work out lately. It seems that I've had a lot going on, and I just sometimes think that...

Mother (interrupting again): Well, you just gotta get on that horse again, ya know? I mean, you were on quite a roll there for a while and I just know that you'll feel better once you drop a few pounds and get back out there.

Daughter: I know that, Motherrrr. But it just seems that these days I'm struggling with some stuff, and I'd really like to talk ab...

Mother (yet another interruption): So what ever happened to that guy you were seeing? He was pretty hot.

Daughter: Well, things didn't work out. I'm not feeling all that confident, and work has got me sooooo beat that I just don't have the energy and attention to devote to nurturing a new relationship. Especially with someone who gets put off by the fact that I'm a very busy person with a lot of things pulling me in a bunch of directions. You know what he did? He got upset with me because I had plans, and ...

Mother: Aw, that's horrible. Really horrible. His loss. Well, I'm sure you'll get back out there. I mean, we all of us married ladies just sit around and wonder when YOU'RE going to finally settle down. I mean, you'd be such a catch if you'd just drop a few pounds and...

Daughter: Gotta go, Mom. TTYL!

(click)

You know what? To quote a great philosopher:

"One of these days some li'l terrorist bomber might just come in here and blow up this entire joint and then no one's gonna hafta worry about ME!"

euphoria

2007-12-17T20:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little Scrooge-ish, so here's a little list...

* "Scrooge" is on the brain because I just completed a huge, crazy, and wonderful production of "A Christmas Carol." So much went into it; I'll unzip the file in my brain later...

* I can't bear to watch the new American Idol-style Choir competition show. I mean, you just know from the get-go that the show's gonna be a mess when four choirs sing James Brown's "Livin' in America." Also, what's the point of watching when you know from the get-go that Patti LaBelle's choir is going to win because she's a sassy lady who can sang and grew up sangin' in church. Not to mention the fact that she knows how to get her praise on...because she grew up sangin' in church, you know...

* This week, I get to step back into life (..with Depends). Tonight: rest. Tomorrow night: Clean and set up Christmas trees (I want two). Wednesday: decorate trees and go OUT!

* Kryptic Komment Aler(k)t: I'm very sad that all of my travel plans have fallen apart, for a lot of reasons.

* I miss Little John.

* I need a vacation.

* The OSW and I are going to throw a party next week! YAY! It's at his house! BIGGER YAAAAAAYYY!

Y'all come!

and i hear people say she's getting old...

2007-12-13T22:29:00.001-05:00

I'm definitely getting old.

Ten really fabulous people just called to tell me that they're meeting up at the bar ACROSS THE STREET from my home, and I declined. I have to work tomorrow.

Old? Responsible? What's the difference?

And yes...I want a fuckin' medal.

some will get this..some won't

2007-12-12T00:45:00.000-05:00

I heart this.

o. m. g.

2007-12-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit busy. To that end...a list:

* It was 77 degrees in Our Fair City today. I mean, it's kinda neat, but there is something TERRIBLY discombobulating about hearing all those Christmas carols at the Starbucks while wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

* Speaking of Christmas carols, one in particular has had me very, very busy these days, hence my "paucity of posts." I hate the word "paucity." Someone should drop it from her lexicon.

* Tonight, I worked and then went to my parents' house for dinner. My mother asked me to help her put the lights on the Christmas tree. She didn't really need my help - any retard can put lights on a tree - but she WANTED some help, which is a different thing. It was fun...and you know what? The Christmas Spirit descended upon me for the first time, and it felt pretty good.

* My parents are very, very happy by the way. Which makes me feel good.

* To do: Christmas tree, laundry, house, travel, and write posts that are only SLIGHTLY more cryptic than someone else's.

and on a slightly different note...

* Somebody sent me a youtube video of a retarded girl asking about menstruation (or, as she put it, a "pewiod"). It was gross/funny/educational/sick/appalling. The worst part was when her older sister said, "Well, I'm having my period right now. Why don't I show you how to change a panty liner..." AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SHOW US HER SOILED, DIRTY, DISGUSTING, SLOUGHED-OFF-ENDOMETRIUM-ENCRUSTED PANTYLINER!!! AAAAAAAHHH!

bless his heart

2007-11-30T00:29:00.000-05:00

So this is how you all see me...

I need help. Please help me stop the insanity.

i became this

2007-11-29T21:16:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, I was in line at the Publix, and my friend Joelene happened to show up in line behind me. There I am, minding my own business, when I here someone purr, "Well, hello!" We hugged, and thankfully he didn't comment on the contents of my grocery bag: fried chicken, ice cream, wine, and macaroni-and-cheese. Don't judge me...I was having a bad day.

So we're chatting, and all of a sudden one of the Publix holiday balloons burst. Loudly. *POP*

Well, we both turned into Nathan Lane from the clip above. We both screeched and freaked out and turned into bigger, nellier, gayer queens than we both are. And it was some of the most fun I've had in a while.

Despite the fact that this interaction made me feel a lot better, I still went home and ate the nasty food. And that made me feel a WHOLE lot better....

why men don't write advice columns

2007-11-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

don't judge me

2007-11-27T21:27:00.000-05:00

No...that is not a photo of Yours Truly.

shamiru...shamaziru...

2007-11-25T17:33:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite SNL skits - EVER!

guilty as charged

2007-11-25T16:44:00.000-05:00

During my last few days off for Thanksgiving break, I have committed every one of Dante's Seven Deadly Sins:

Luxuria (extravagance, later lust) - Ohhhh, I have lusted in my heart, all righty. A coupla Junior League-ers, and most notably a surprise guest at my parents' cocktail party. He's a carpenter - and a former professional windsurfer - who also does triathlons and bikes a hundred miles a day or something. *Sigh* Those of you who were with me in P'Town for Labor Day will know what I mean when I say - TICKETS!

Gula (gluttony) - Well...let's see. Had a decadent Ladies Who Lunch Dinner with the OSW at Rathbun's, where we sampled every Small Plate on the menu, and wished to sample the meaty bartender. Ooops..that should go under lust. Funny how they are sorta the same. Between that and the typically extraordinary traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my folks house, well...I may just hafta think about putting my gym membership to work.

Avaritia (greed) - More more MORE!

Acedia (sloth) - I have not risen before 10 AM since Tuesday. I haven't lifted a finger to address the mountain of work that awaits me when I get back into the swing tomorrow. As for today, well...it's Sunday, cold, and rainy in Atlanta. I woke up, got breakfast, planted myself on the couch, and have been watching movies all day. Glorious.

Ira (wrath, more commonly known as anger) - I'm very angry with myself for something, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Invidia (envy) - I'm jealous of people who have someone to sit with on the couch and be slothful and feed them decadent food.

and Superbia (pride) - Ahhh. My favorite. I'm proud of my family, and the extraordinary laughter that fills our dining room on such holidays. I'm proud of the fact that I know from whence I come, and it is a very funny, accepting place. I'm proud of my friends who remind me that I'm not alone. And I'm proud of the freedom I have to be what I want.

hello, my name is erik and i don't like dogs

2007-11-20T17:29:00.000-05:00

"Hi, Erik."

For those of you who know me, the above declaration is not a surprise. My disdain for dogs is quite well-known among my circle of friends. Few people talk about it, like when you have a relative that hates Jews or something, but you never bring it up at Thanksgiving in hopes that we can just get through the day without making anyone cry.

For the record, I do not "hate" dogs. I don't hate anything. I just don't LIKE dogs. Or any other pet, for that matter. There are reasons, but I just don't feel like sharing them with you.

Well, I'll share one reason with you.

http://www.collettscountrykennel.com/placed.html

The DJ told me the most hysterical story about a crazy dog owner today, and I do hope he'll share it on his blog. But it got me looking up "crazy dog people" on the interweb, and I found the above site.

Gag.

let the holiday fearmongering begin!

2007-11-20T15:42:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year - all of our wonderful media outlets are set with their annual litany of warnings and statistics to help keep us alive on this, the Deadliest Holiday of the Year.

Between the traffic and DUI warnings to the dietary scares, it's a miracle that any of us make it to the New Year. I mean, on the "Today" show this morning, we were actually warned to take caution at our traditional Thanksgiving meals because one might have a heart attack after eating such a calorie-dense plate of food.

I have lots of plans for this week. I don't go back to work until Monday, so I plan to party a little, spend time with my family, relax, and eat.

I'll check in on Monday to let you know that I survived.

ruminations on project runway

2007-11-14T22:30:00.001-05:00

This is one of TWO reality shows that I love (the other is/was "Pioneer House). I adore "Project Runway" because the people actually make something and have to work for their prize. As opposed to just doing shooters in some hot tub and bitching about alliances or some shit...

Here are some thoughts on this season's "Project Runway" premiere:

* The guys on this season's show are the hottest ever on the program

* They are also the GAYEST! EVER!!!

* Tim Gunn is a big, neat, tidy, anal, pompous, talented, silly old ginger paleface queen. I ASPIRE to the odd combination of nurturing mentor/catty old woman that he displays with every "Carry on!" and "Make it work..." or every comment that a designer has "a lot of finishing to do..." It's sort of like a Southern woman looking at a fat, ugly, tacky-but-sweet girl and saying, "Bless her heart..."

* I love how they dub in the plugs for various products when the camera cuts away from Heidi Klum's face. Case in point: she asked all of the new designers how they liked their new homes in the Gotham New York (their temporary apartment building). Then, when the camera cut away, they inserted a voiceover of Heidi saying, "New York's premiere rental apartment community for everything you love in the Big Apple" or some such shit.

* I hate Ricky's "hat thing."

* Not only is Fatty Chris a big fatty, but he has the worst plucked eyebrows in America.

* The results haven't been announced as of this writing, but I predict that they will keep Krazy Elisa, just because she's quirky. Gross. Her model tripped over her stupid dress. Kick her ass out.

okay, okay

2007-11-14T20:46:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the whole "embedded video" thing. But I think that the video below is breathtaking.

Simply breathtaking.

To quote a great philosopher (i.e., the star of the video)...

"Stay tuned for more!"

what it feels like for a girl

2007-11-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

Well...it's official:

I'm a homeowner, once again.

I closed on my home today, and you know what? Even though I've lived here for a year and a half, it felt different when I walked through the door this evening. I can't explain it, but it did. And it felt wonderful.

So. Lemme get some things in order and then I'm gonna have a really, really fine cocktail party. You are all invited.

this week's favorite thing

2007-11-11T15:39:00.001-05:00

Lawrt. I think I know what we'll all be for Halloween next year.

on being manly

2007-11-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

Recently I found myself having cocktails on a porch here in Our Fair City. Shocker, I know. I was chatting with a dear friend who is a closing attorney for a leading real estate law firm here in town. Pretty much everybody knows that the real estate market has taken quite a tumble here in town (and nationally), but the tendency among real estate professionals is to adopt a "Put on a happy face...make lemonade out of lemons...hey, this is just a correction" kind of attitude. Usually with clenched teeth and a hyper-forced grin.

Not my friend. He laid it out for me honestly (his statistics were staggering), and said, "Hey, I know I'm supposed to be all 'everything's fine here' about this, but I'm man enough to say it sucks, it will probably get worse before it gets better, and it's making a lot of people unhappy."

I was quite charmed by his honesty. I have a lot of friends in real estate, and many of them are swallowing the party Kool Aid and claiming that business is steady, people are buying, and things are lookin' up. Ahhh, the power of denial. All's I can say is that I'm REALLY glad I got out of that line of work - for a trilliion reasons, most of which were simply personal.

My friend's sincerity got me thinking about my own tendency to laugh wildly amidst severest woe. Not that I have any tragedy in my life or anything; I'm healthy, employed with work I love, and about to purchase the home that I will most likely live in forever. I have gifts and resources, friends and family, and little about which to complain.

But sometimes I get overwhelmed, and I'm coming to the realization that I'm not as good at handling it anymore. One of my biggest observations about people with problems is my opinion that many people build their own prisons - financially, romantically, spiritually - whatever. The harder thing to realize is that you've built your own prisons. Now, I have to figure a way out of them.

So, I took a walk today in my park, and made a mental sketch of the prisons I've built for myself. The task of breaking out of them is (to emply hyperbole) Herculean. But they are my own, I built them, and I can find a way to compromise their architecture.

A dear friend told me just last night that he has recently been completely overwhelmed with things. His discovery was that great things come ONLY when you are so burdened. I take those words deeply to heart.

I think I'll start by cleaning my kitchen.

this week's favorite thing

2007-11-06T19:50:00.000-05:00

This is totally safe for work, but not for your sense of good taste.

2007-11-03T21:08:00.000-04:00

I had the extreme pleasure of seeing one Miss Dana Owens perform at Atlanta's Symphony Hall last night. Queen Latifah herself was eight feet from me and my sister (we were in the front row; our parents graciously let us have the good seats while they sat WAY back in the fifth row), and her powerful vocals stirred us to distraction. At one point, she came downstage to say "hello" to us, and shook our hands.

She was enchanting, and sang songs from just about every genre: gospel, soul, funk, jazz, and...to my great pleasure...Broadway. Her rendition of "I Know Where I've Been" from "Hairspray" was breathtaking. Better than that, however, was her introduction to the song, when she sincerely thanked everyone for their support of the film. I felt like I was watching a friend perform beloved songs, and that's a rare and beautiful talent.

Afterwards, there was some funny business in the lobby. My sister agreed to take a photo with ten of us gay boys, and made the comment that she'd be the "token girl in the picture." Out of nowhere, some total stranger walked up and inserted herself into the shot. Apparently, she thought that my sister's comment was made out of the exasperation of being the only lesbian lady in the photo, and wanted to help out a sistah. It was weird and interesting and funny. After a few moments, the lady (who was with her partner of 13 years, by the way) asked if my sister was "family." My sister graciously said that she wasn't but that I was, and that "we" all were - "we" being my mother, father, sister, and I.

Like a great philosopher once said, "Music...makes the people...come together."

eve was weak

2007-10-31T22:14:00.000-04:00

For Halloween, we have a selection from one of my favorite horror movies of all time:

Carrie: [coming down from upstairs, Margaret has called her down after the phonecall she received] Mama? Who was that, that called?

Margaret White: You're a woman now.

Carrie: Why didn't you tell me mama?

[Margaret strikes her over the head with the "Woman's Bible" and begins to read a verse]

Margaret White: [reading] And God made Eve from the rib of Adam. And Eve was weak and loosed the raven on the world. And the raven was called sin. Say it, the raven was called sin.

Carrie: Why didn't you tell me, Mama?

Margaret White: Say it.

[hits Carrie in the face]

Margaret White: The raven was called sin.

Carrie: [Margaret hits her again] No, Mama.

[hits Carrie again]

Carrie: And the raven was called sin!

Margaret White: And the first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse.

Carrie: I didn't sin, Mama.

Margaret White: Say it.

[hits her again]

Carrie: I didn't sin, Mama!

Margaret White: The first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse. The first sin was intercourse.

Carrie: And the first sin was intercourse! Mama, I was so scared. I thought I was dying. And the girls, they all laughed at me and threw things at me, Mama.

[Margaret hits her again]

Margaret White: And Eve was weak, say it!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Eve was weak!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Eve was weak, say it woman!

Carrie: No!

Margaret White: Say it!

Carrie: Eve was weak, Eve was weak.

Margaret White: And the Lord visited Eve with the curse, and the curse was the curse of blood!

Carrie: You should have told me, Mama! You should have told me!

Margaret White: [kneels down and grabs Carrie's hand] Oh, Lord! Help this sinning woman see the sin of her days and ways. Show her that if she had remained sinless, this curse of blood would never have come on her!

list time

2007-10-25T23:46:00.000-04:00

* Saw a beautiful play this evening - "Rabbit Hole." I never cease to be impressed by the quality (and low price) of good, quality theater here in Atlanta.

* The full moon has made me crazy - again.

* Houseguests coming this weekend. I need their visit real, real bad right now...

* A Halloween party on Saturday night...perhaps a "gettin' ready pre-party" at my house?

* I finally landed on a costume: Professor Snape. However, if I can't get the wig right, I'll just be The Handsome Dark Wizard with Whom Dumbledore Fell in Love...

* I bought some stage blood for a friend today, while shopping for my costume pieces. There was a variety of formulas available, but I settled gleefully on the one that offered a "fresh, minty taste!" Even though it says not to ingest it...hmmmm...

* Huge workday Sunday. Wish it wasn't after a big night out, but oh well.

* A performance or two on the horizon

(exhale)

and i wonder where my money goes

2007-10-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

An Actual Conversation between Norma and the OSW:

OSW: I'm so sick of everything. I wanna try new things, but I don't know how I'd make it work.

NORMA: Ok. You need capital. So. How much would you make if sold your house today?

(The OSW discloses figure...it's quite substantial, she being a frugal, shrewd, money-grubbing OSW and all. Norma is uncharacteristically impressed.)

NORMA: Well, I have about $12.50. So when you put that together, we've got a nice little nest egg to invest in a fun new venture.

OSW: So where are we going with all that money?

NORMA: Gilbert's, for karaoke.

OSW: What?!?

klassy

2007-10-19T18:12:00.000-04:00

The only thing I like about the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: the Peach Buzz. It's our hideous local newspaper's snarky little social column, and I like it because it reports on things like rappers' birthdays and art gallery events with its tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Today, they reported on a new alcoholic beverage. The text is below.

(commence krap)

There’s a new drink finding its way to Atlanta nightclubs next year, folks. From the makers of the outstanding Hpnotiq comes
Nuvo, a sparkling vodka liqueur for women.

The sleek, glamorous bottle looks like a fancy European perfume ready for spritzing. Instead, it’s meant to excite the palate.

“It’s fabulous. It’s one of the sexiest and most innovative drinks out there,” says Tiffany Patterson of Atlanta, who got a chance to taste the beverage at a New York party. “It’s strong, but that’s what I I love about it.”

Patterson says its sparkling fruitiness reminds her of the inexpensive Boone’s Farm brand.

“It’s like they took the cheap stuff and said this is how it’s supposed to be,” she says. “This is the real thing.”

Company officials, in town last week doling out the pink stuff during the BET Hip Hop Awards, say Atlanta is the next market Nuvo will hit. It’ll be in nightclubs as well as package stores.

(end krap)

Hmmm...Tiffany says that it's the best of both worlds: Boone's Farm with a little more kick. And why doesn't it surprise me that their first test market was the BET Hip Hop Awards?

I suspect that "Nuvo" is an old Latin word for "ghetto swill." Or perhaps "Put this junk in a pretty bottle and any stripper will drink it?"

I'll take my slightly dirty martini any day.

what can i say?

2007-10-18T23:23:00.000-04:00

It's been a weird week.

The weather has flirted with us. Forecasts mentioned "heavy rains" and the skies swirled all day today, but we got very little in the way of precipitation. Mother Nature is a vicious, horrible tease.

My work has been so unbelievably fulfilling that I feel as though I may burst. Maybe one day I'll put my money where my blog is and show you the evidence, but suffice it to say that a little gratitude goes a long way, and that making a difference really does a body good.

Fell off the wagon a bit this week, with respect to the whole "working out" thing. I blame the very, very, VERY dark mornings, and look forward to daylight savings. We enjoy warm weather through Thanksgiving, so I can get back on the wagon shortly. However, I think I need to plan for an alternative...

Saw two movies at the Out on Film Festival this week. One was MISERABLE. The other starred RuPaul and was quite a bit of fun. Not as much fun as my date, however.

And that's all I know, ladies and gentlemen. See you this weekend for a drinkie or two because...after all...

If you want the ol' flivver to run, you gotta gas her up...ifyaknowwhatimean...

list

2007-10-16T20:28:00.000-04:00

* All the news about the drought has me feeling a little down (bah-dum-bum). My lord, it's URINETOWN!

* Had a fabulous weekend of stunning weather, great parties, a date, some sex, and a whole lotta gratitude for all of it.

* I'm sitting here right now watching Matt Lauer interview Senator Larry "I was just picking up some paper from the toilet stall floor" Craig. Gross. His wife is grousing about the effect that bloggers have had on this whole scandal. Well..add me to the list, lady...

* I know that this will come as a surprise to many of you, but Ellen's meltdown today made me laugh my ass off. Come. On. There's gotta be a better way to make your point. Plus, she's a REAL ugly crier....

* The OSW and I went to dinner last night. Dinner was amazing, despite the Drunk Loudmouth and his friends who were sitting near us at the bar.

* I love my job and I love my work and stuff, but I just had the urge yesterday to cash out what little I have and just disappear. This comes and goes with me, and (naturally) I've never acted on it. That pesky "lack of funds" keeps getting in the way...

* Next break? Thanksgiving. Not. Soon. Enough.

This Week's Favorite Thing

2007-10-10T16:18:00.001-04:00

Ok. Here are my thoughts on the titles she won in the competition:

1. Best Use of a Trumpet as Laser Gun
2. Most Outstanding Ogilvy Home Perm
3. Superior Usage of Christmas Tree Tinsel in a Costume
4 Most Inappropriate Use of a Charlie Chaplin Impersonation
5. Best Exit in Silence While Expecting Applause

Anyone else? Suggestions?

On a more serious note, this is what comes from too much parental encouragement.

mists

2007-10-09T07:47:00.000-04:00

I was hesitant to get out this morning. I woke up early enough, but it was sooo dark outside and - to be perfectly honest - I'm a little creeped out by the park before sunrise. I'm not that fast a runner, and I do wear an iPod; experts might say that those were my first two problems right there. I may switch to biking - faster, more gratifying, and an easier getaway from anyone who might feel like gettin' in my way.

So I waited a little bit until I saw the first silver and pink slivers of the dawn, and ventured out. The park was covered by a thick mist, and the buildings of Midtown took up the shimmer as the mists gradually faded with the sunrise. Now it is absolutely golden out there, and I'm glad I managed to roll out of bed and be a part of it for a moment.

And a little post-workout flirtation with the cute Boot Camp instructor at the Caribou didn't hurt, either...

in yo FACE

2007-10-07T12:33:00.000-04:00

I just did one of my very favorite things to do on a Sunday in Atlanta. And I ain't talkin' about the events of last night. THAT's a story for a different day, friend...

I live around the corner from a very popular breakfast restaurant called The Flying Biscuit. It is ridiculously popular, for reasons that elude me. I mean, at the end of the day, it's all just eggs and coffee to me - but the people line up for HOURS to get into the place. Honestly, on any given weekend, rain or shine, you'll see a massive crowd of people outside. In the summer...they wait in the sickening heat; in the winter, they wait in the cold and rain. I don't get it. And I don't get it largely because there are about a hundred breakfast places in town. Again...it's just eggs and coffee, y'all.

I used to manage a popular restaurant in Manhattan's West Village. It was the same thing: the people would line up to get in for pancakes and bacon - with about a thousand other options nearby. And they were always grumpy, usually having partied the night before and in desperate need of nourishment. Mean, angry, hungover people to whom a thirty-minute wait was a life sentence. They would harass me endlessly until I was able to seat them, and then berate the waitstaff for not moving at lightning speed with their coffee or bloody marys. And since it was just breakfast, the checks were never very large, so the staff didn't make money despite running their butts off all morning. There are a lot of parts to breakfast service: creamers and jams and sugar caddies and little hot pots of water for tea and spoons and blah blah blah. Everyone was unhappy, and I would just pray for the end of my shift.

So, I got up this morning and needed food - having been out last night and in need of nourishment like all those awful people I mentioned. Which brings me to my favorite thing to do on a Sunday. I called the restaurant and placed an order to go. I casually strolled over to the Caribou to get an iced coffee, then back across the street to the Biscuit to get my food. The hideous people in line glared at me, and I could hear their thoughts: "What? Why does HE get to just saunter inside?" I sailed in, picked up my food, and worked my way back through the throng outside. They glowered and grumbled and turned their attention to the hostess, who was just trying to keep some order. The women all had that bitter, pinched look on their faces that said, "Now why didn't we think of that? God, I HATE that guy" and their boyfriends all had that harried look that said, "What the fuck are we waiting for? I mean, it's just eggs and coffee."

I, however, sat in wonderful comfort on my porch, ate my food and drank in the beautiful day. My favorite thing to do on a Sunday.

rating

2007-10-03T22:59:00.000-04:00

There's some dumb widget (I think the kids call it that) that rates the propriety of one's blog based on the frequency of certain words. I got the above rating for a single instance of the word "slut."

Oops..I said it again. Better make that a PG-13.

my new favorite thing

2007-10-03T20:34:00.001-04:00

There are many things I love about this clip, but I'll just point out a few:

1. LOVE the completely overdone, wide vowels: "XAHN-AH-DOUH!"

2. MORE LOVE for the slutty costumes and horrible "beauty pageant" choreography and runway walkin'.

3. WOULD LOVE TO KNOW what the eff does the Star-Trek-Mr.-Spock "Live long and prosper!" gesture at the end have to do with "Xanadu?" Or is it more the Mork the Dork from Ork, "nanu-nanu!" kind of crap?

4. ALSO, I'd LOVE to know where in America one can find a high school with forty homosexual teenage boys who are out, loud and proud?

The mind spins...with arms akimbo, and JAZZZ HANDZ!

musings

2007-10-03T19:58:00.001-04:00

* The AJC reported that Stone Mountain Park had plans to use over ONE MILLION GALLONS of municipal water to create a snowy attraction. They wanted the municipal water because it is treated and would create pure white snow, as opposed to lake water, which would yield brownish-green snow. North Georgia is in an insane drought. Stone Mountain ceased the effort when just about everyone in the state cried foul - loudly. Wise choice.

* A couple in the metro-Atlanta area is facing twenty counts (apiece!) of animal cruelty. Their home was raided when neighbors complained of the smell; inspectors found dead animals, dozens of mistreated living ones, and INCHES of waste on the floor - both animal and human. Neighbors described them as "animal lovers." My. GOD.

* In othe news, I'm still good on my regimen: up early, good food, limited drinking, etc. This is something of a record for me, one I wish to bread again.

* Plans are formulating: PTown Labor Day 2008 (!) and New Year's in....(drumroll)...Los Angeles, after Christmas in Ft. Lauderdale!

* I'm shopping for a new/used car. Any suggestions?

* Atlanta still wants to ban baggy pants. Some folks are crying "racist." I just call it "damn ugly."

* Must. Clean. Home.

* I miss my Johns.

aweshome

2007-10-01T18:33:00.000-04:00

It was a klassic Well, Well, Well-style weekend (minus the sex).

The OSW and I went to a new restaurant on Friday night, Beleza, in the 905 Juniper building. I've been waiting for a restaurant to open in that space and lemme just tell ya, kids - it was worth the wait. A gorgeous interior, fabulous service, and absolutely delicious food. I am thrilled to have such fabulousness within steps of my own home. Seriously.

We then ventured to Fifth Skreet for an impromptu get together. Then I went to Blake's and met a former aquaintance, who asked, "Why didn't you date me?" I may reconsider my earlier decision to let that one go...

I stayed in on Saturday night, as I had to work on Sunday morning. But that was done by noon, and I ventured over to Fifth Skreet again for a Sunday luncheon thrown by the OSW and Connie. It was perfect in cuisine and company, and I mighta had a little bit of champagne on that fine Sunday afternoon.

The perfect weather underscored a remarkable gathering of friends, and I am more certain than ever that if heaven exists, it's full of good food and front porches....

update

2007-09-28T17:19:00.000-04:00

Work was pretty good.

today

2007-09-28T07:53:00.001-04:00

Today is Friday. I have to go to work in a few minutes. Then I will come home and go to dinner with a friend. Then I will go to bed.

damn

2007-09-26T07:08:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 6, planning to get out there and get my blood moving. However, I hit the wrong button on the alarm and turned it to "off" rather than "snooze," and missed my workout. Damn.

Now, if I had someone in bed with me to help me stay on track....